Way to go, Monique!... in answer to your question, don't give him anything to use against you... that is, do your best to ensure 'no contact' prevails in whatever form it has to take. That means, beyond a simple hello if absolutely necessary, completely ignore him and say nothing. Don't tell him you know his game, this also tells him his game didn't work this time, and he'll try and figure out how to get round you again, or with the next person. Let it simply be his loss, let him assume that you lost interest rather than give him a reason (he can't argue if you just aren't interested, full stop). If he tries to engage you and reason with you, or make you feel you need to explain or reason with him, recognise this as also part of his game. Once he hooks you into a discussion with him again, he can start the whole process of trying to convince you again. It's seriously not worth it, not for your sanity. If he still won't leave you alone, ask him to leave you alone politely. If he still persists, ask that he desists in harassing you. If he continues after that, take it from there with legal means if necessary. He should get the message that he's not wanted and move on before then, if he has any sense. The trick here is to not give him any more tidbits of info he can try to use to turn against you again. The more you can ignore him the better. It takes a lot of inner strength to do this but I am sure you can and will succeed in it. It may also take some time before he finally drops his game with you, but you must persist, don't show one ounce of weakness, cos he will use it to his advantage. Once this is all over, you will also realise how much of a big favour you really did for yourself in the longterm, especially should history start to repeat itself. The most important thing is you realise that you are strong enough and can do it again. Much harder if you don't stay strong now. So, let it be known, we're all rooting for you, and keep strong! You can do it. Good luck!
I'm not registered... my apologies, I should have given my name before. Susan.
(04-03-2011, 12:02 AM)monique12345 Wrote: [ -> ]LOL Infinity, i am a very fast typer. Sorry if i am being long winded at times. i am writing like i am speaking to someone, so verbally expressing my emotions in what i write will take probably 5 mins to say. Funny really! I am a helpful person and i try to express the help in a right way too to others if that makes sense rather than a one liner. great point about my body language. I sit far away as possible from him and since he has often made me feel bad, very down and quiet with little eye contact. It is so true that i hope for the good in people. me hoping is just not good when this guys intentions are so not inline of what i want. I cannot believe someone deliberately misleading someone and lying to them, yet still say afterwards that they do not play games. Nice to know some really nice guys are out there. i dont have to look far, you guys on this site seem very decent with some of the thought processes you write down. Hear your point about the homosexuals
That's women for ya
don't worry about it; it's a good way to just get things out sometimes.
Thanks Susan and Calx. I got to do team work with him but Susan you are dead right. I appreciate some guys wanting to protect his behaviour as it is all about interpretations which i understand. bottom line is i had strong gut feelings and he managed to confuse me. This stops NOW. No more. He will leave me alone as he is weak and like you wrote earlier, he will not care that i lost interest. He is only having fun when he sees me confused and then he thinks he has a chance to challenge my mind and masterbate. Sick really but obviously a lesson learnt. He and other players will not get a chance. I just will not respond next time when i get this very same feeling back. This is unusual as we shared work for this class. It finishes in 2 weeks so there is no need for contact. He probably when he is bored send a text or so but i will not encourage any contact. I did that before and he was making me out that i was harrassing him LOL. I fell hard when i started this and now i picked myself up and sincerely it takes some straight words like you have given to knock it in and straighten up. It was an emotional web he is skilled in. I will say hello as it is professional, and being professional is key. I will sit with my team again which he is in but i will not smile at him or spend anytime alone with him, refuse if he offers to take me home, ignore all chats and the thing he got out of it is he had a great laugh. I will take it down as him being manipulative in writing that my emails are not attractive and he has never had such horrible emails in his life. I am done with him, he actually now starts to bore me. He is miserable, is emotionally unstable, and it is a waste of effort to help anyone who clearly sees no wrong doing in their actions. Boy, if u would meet him, he is at times so sincere and vulnerable. So far i have counted 4 personalities and he is more and more out of my mind. I go in today with my head high, happy as i am a good person and did nothing wrong to anyone, and focus on the subject at hand. I am a firm believer of someone always watching your actions, not that i am religious but there is, and what goes around comes around. That is it. He can pay for sex as you put it which just makes me laugh when i read your post. Great help and I will post what happened later tonight. Thank you kindly and hope life is treating you all well. I am good at giving advice, just got to trust my own more it seems LOL
Hi everyone, so here is the last news. Class finished today, not next week. I took Susan's advice which I followed. I did not make eye contact despite him really trying too. I looked at him when we were to work with one another and focused on the topic at hand. At the end, I got up and said by to everyone and it seemed to have really pissed him off. He asked of my timetable to see if there were other opportunities to see me i think. He spoke in a very respectful manner and this was always my confusion. I then walked home. Blimey, i done it. Now, i do not see this thread closed yet as i now got to get my emotions to follow my actions here. I have this urge to tell him what he is doing wrong but i take the view about not to make him better. He is probably doing this with alot of girls. Anyway, if he contacts me i will post it to receive advice. I have to give it a chance to see if this guy learnt anything and feel bad or stupid or any sign that he knows he messed up. I miss him but i do not miss the indications of sex and mind and word games in making me feel bad. I hated that. Anyway, i have to think what i am missing to be honest as i hardly know this guy but on one hand i do, maybe better than him as he is so confused or pretending to be confused. I cannot be bothered to analyse him. I wanted to let you all know for a bit of team cheering really. it is late and i am pretty tired. I shall be in touch and thanks for your continued warm words of encouragement and support everyone. Maybe be nice to analyse this all to help others in not getting caught in such a web. Boy was i stuck but strong enough to reach out. Look forward to hearing from you all.
It can be hard to tell. Guys flirt with multiple girls. Determining if he is just flirting or really likes you is the hardest part. Try making the first move.
(04-05-2011, 06:31 PM)Fresh Prince Wrote: [ -> ]It can be hard to tell. Guys flirt with multiple girls. Determining if he is just flirting or really likes you is the hardest part. Try making the first move.
This would have been advice for her a long time ago if you had been following along. That was basically one of the last days that she would continue to see him frequently.
Yep. I am gettign emails here and there and I am not responding as per the advice here. Not to give into this player who may or may not be playing with multiple girls. The only fact I know is that he is manipulate, one way over email and another way in person (in person a bit more distant but staring all the time at me, while on email very open about sex and how i am so good looking and attractive). Another fact is he has lied and keeps changing his story of his intentions which is very misleading to any girl falling for this crap. Got to admit though all, it is hard to ignore him. I feel bad for doing it as it is not my character in doing it. Maybe I am even feeling sick for ever liking such a guy, who knows. All i can state here is, for all those who are playing such tricks and games with people. Remember emotions can grow and be clear if it is just flirting fun, but don't push anyone to sleep with you by promising them all sorts of things they want to hear. That is no choice for somone you trick. This is just a general statement. The worst thing for me was i see good in people as we all can be, despite everyone having a very different concept of right and wrong that is influenced by our upbringing and experiences. Having taken the distance here emotionally a bit, such people playing games and living on the edge like that are not truely happy. I can see now that he is despite his amazing act is really miserable and emotionally unstable. I thought i could help but got caught in a web so that is a lesson learnt. Just everyone be careful. I hope from this forum we can learn from each other and there are real people and emotions we are dealing with. Ground rule is: you take someones freedom of choice away when you are not being truthful (and i dont mean a version of the truth). For instannce, this guy could have said, i am not in a good spot right now with alot of things happening in my life. I have not been with a woman in a long time and I want you. At least I could have turned around and said go elsewhere and if you are that desperate go and pay a professional. This message is not only for the guy, but the female players too if you happen to read this. It will come back to you or a loved one when you are at your most vulnerable to know what it then feels like to lead someone own for your own selfish pleasures. I am back to being happy by just distancing myself. :-). I be interested to hear form anyone who has had a similar experience or is a player.
Hi Monique, nice to see you hanging in there. It gets easier over time as long as you keep this up. I want to add that the way he played you from the start, by disrepecting your views and values and trying to change your way of thinking to suit him, rather than wait until it was right for you, only shows how the 'relationship' would have continued had you pursued anything with him. So I think a key to this at the outset, before you get too emotionally involved, is to think, this is how he is now, what will he be like then maybe weeks, months, years down the line etc? And then imagine yourself in the role he is casting you in - do you want to be that person, that person who loses her self-identity, confidence etc to suit his whims? I think the answer is always going to be 'no'. It's a huge red flag really. The best thing you can always do is keep your own self-respect by staying true to what you believe in. Let him find someone who shares his values if he's not willing to treat you with the respect you deserve or wait for it. Any good man who values your worth knows that in time, his turn will come, and there are plenty worthy men out there, so you just need to be patient.
Incidently, I've since found another thread you posted previously before this one. I am concerned about your current situation with your ex-partner turned friend, and wonder if perhaps you are caught in something which is both so familiar and comfortable to you that you don't want to change it, while yet leaving you struggling with unmet needs. Perhaps this is why you find yourself in this situation with this new guy, perhaps the atttraction you felt for him was the allure of fulfilling those unmet needs (perhaps unbeknown to you)? If I were you, I would look to separate myself cleanly from your current living situation, at least for a period of time, and see if that doesn't reset the priorities you and your ex-partner have towards each other. If this doesn't work, you need to move on and start a whole new independent life for yourself I think, so that your identity is no longer entertwined with your ex's. I feel this may be holding you back from what you really *need* deep down. Perhaps, by staying with your ex, you are even holding out for second-best still in the hope it will once again become the best again. A good deep and honest reality check with yourself is probably needed if this is the case. Sorry, if my comments are out of place, out of date, or I've misunderstood (it's late!) I just wanted to relay my thoughts in case they may strike a chord with you.
Well, good luck with moving forward!
Susan
Susan, you need to register :-)
Your words are appreciated, true and very insightful. You get me and the situation. I love to stay in touch. How can we do this? Typical, i give good advice but at times we need it back and it has been truely a fresh of breath air to have someone just understand. I am finding it hard and came to the realisation that it is because of what u have stated above. I may be latching a bit since u stated u have been through it and it must have been aweful. It is captivating despite red flags and alarms screaming at me. Some men will be after vulnerable woman and I think i am now stronger but only just. Hope to hear from u soon and thankyou sincerely again.
(04-08-2011, 06:27 PM)monique12345 Wrote: [ -> ]Susan, you need to register :-)
Your words are appreciated, true and very insightful. You get me and the situation. I love to stay in touch. How can we do this? Typical, i give good advice but at times we need it back and it has been truely a fresh of breath air to have someone just understand. I am finding it hard and came to the realisation that it is because of what u have stated above. I may be latching a bit since u stated u have been through it and it must have been aweful. It is captivating despite red flags and alarms screaming at me. Some men will be after vulnerable woman and I think i am now stronger but only just. Hope to hear from u soon and thankyou sincerely again.
Although I probably will not have anything helpful to say, I do agree with the idea. People do prey on the weak. Bullies, Businesses, Government, Men, Women, you can name out a full list of 'groups' that will do the same. It's easier to prey on the insecurities that people have, emotionally or physically, and people look for the reaction, or benefit from it.
You can see it in all places, but i'm not trying to sticker everything as a negative. There are some people that do the opposite, which balances things out a bit. There's a philosophical idea to it that resides solely in human nature. People generally like to take the easier routes to accomplish certain tasks.
Look for the positives in everything though, and you'll get far in life.