07-19-2011, 02:43 AM
Beforehand knowledge, I'm male, and 15(16 in november).
Well, basically, I'm depressed.I don't want to be, it's changing the way I've thought, and it's making me think about completely stupid things.....
Why am I depressed: I'll start at the beginning.
1 1/2 years ago, on Feb. 3rd, 2010, I started dating the most amazing, perfect, just simply.... best girl I've ever met, and will meet probably. This lasted 10 months before I fudged it up by being immature and not being able to handle it(this was a long distance relationship), and after that, she took it really roughly. I tried to get in contact, but at the end, I was an butthead, and understandably, she left me each time I tried to get back together with her.
More on that, a few months after we broke up, I missed her... A lot. I tried to get back together with her three times, and each time, after about a week or two she completely disappeared. The last time this happened was about two months ago, and she started talking to me again this last saturday. Honestly, I was so excited to finally talk to her again... Recently, I had been sprouting an enormous amount of feelings for her randomly, thinking about how nice it would be in the future to marry her, etc., since she is literally the perfect match for me, and yea... I know I sound childish, but bear with me.)
Well, she contacted me.... and as I said, it was the most exciting thing of the world, because I had been emailing her telling her about everything, about how I missed her, about how much I loved her, and wished she would talk to me etc., so... she did. And after I asked her to please give me another chance to show her how much I had truly grown to love her, care for her, anything... I would do literally ANYTHING for her... She is with someone else now.
She's 16 1/2, and is already about to graduate by December since she's homeschooled and did everything super fast, she'd normally be a junior then.
Her new girlfriend is in college, and apparently... She's head over heels in love. They both are. I've been told that they've experienced so much in a short time, that she'd never consider leaving her, and that they fully understand eachother.... It broke my heart, pretty much shattering it... It hurt so badly, but I finally got the picture tonight as she was telling me I basically had no chance in the future, as they had talked about marriage an growing old together.... I still don't believe this, because they've only been together two months, but she said it with such conviction and attachement, and claimed that she'd probably never get over her if this did happen.......
So, basically, I've been extremely depressed ever since the news was given that she got a girlfriend, and now even more-so, that I honestly believe that in the future, my chances to get her back are slim to none....
Those 10 months were the happiest I'd ever been, and she was the best girlfriend in the world... Loving, caring, nice, never disrespecting of my wishes, always concerned for me... She was basically perfect, she was in my mind, "The One"...
Then the thoughts that come up about me ruining it all, because I did, I started freakin the relationship up by neglecting her about 8 months in, and blaming her, and being a HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING in general, it pisses me off that I did that so badly, but it's done I guess.. I can't change it, I promised to do differently in the future... but what if there isn't a future now?
Honestly, lately, my whole life has been devoted to this girl in my eyes... I would do anything and everything for her to love me again... and I've tried saying anything possible that could possibly accomplish it(always truthful, though.)
Nothing worked. She's as solid as ever in her conviction, and I'm starting to think it's a waste of time.
Then I can't help but remember a quote posted on facebook by a friend...
"Perhaps the most comforting thought is that the best days are yet to come."
And then I thought, what if my best days are now behind me? I mean, honestly, my only desire in life is to find a nice girl(like her), get married, and provide for her with love, devotion, kindness, and basically making her feel the best I can, I want to make someone the happiest girl alive, and that's basically my only want in life, no ambitions for jobs, not MUCH in terms of others, though a good job is kinda needed to care for her with a decent house, but that's besides the point.
The point of this thread is that what if I blew it? What if I discarded my one chance at happiness with the love of my life? What if I literally have no better days ahead, because I already assured myself that my life is fudged since I ruined things with this perfect girl...
It's honestly really depressing, and I've honestly thought about just killing myself.. I know,I know, it's selfish, childish, and isn't worth it, it hurts others a lot more... I know that... I'm just not sure, my heart aches with pain at the memories of her laughing, smiling at me, admittedly have 'cam sex' or whatever the fudge you want to call it, and the memories hurt. I ruined that. I ruined the legit best thing to ever happen to me.
This is getting way too long... Basically, I'm looking for support... For helpful words... Something, anything... I just want this pain to go away.. None of the suicide guides I looked up really helped with any tips, so I just decided to try to get help instead, since I mentally was sketchy about the idea already, and don't really want to go through that length to stop the pain.
Well, basically, I'm depressed.I don't want to be, it's changing the way I've thought, and it's making me think about completely stupid things.....
Why am I depressed: I'll start at the beginning.
1 1/2 years ago, on Feb. 3rd, 2010, I started dating the most amazing, perfect, just simply.... best girl I've ever met, and will meet probably. This lasted 10 months before I fudged it up by being immature and not being able to handle it(this was a long distance relationship), and after that, she took it really roughly. I tried to get in contact, but at the end, I was an butthead, and understandably, she left me each time I tried to get back together with her.
More on that, a few months after we broke up, I missed her... A lot. I tried to get back together with her three times, and each time, after about a week or two she completely disappeared. The last time this happened was about two months ago, and she started talking to me again this last saturday. Honestly, I was so excited to finally talk to her again... Recently, I had been sprouting an enormous amount of feelings for her randomly, thinking about how nice it would be in the future to marry her, etc., since she is literally the perfect match for me, and yea... I know I sound childish, but bear with me.)
Well, she contacted me.... and as I said, it was the most exciting thing of the world, because I had been emailing her telling her about everything, about how I missed her, about how much I loved her, and wished she would talk to me etc., so... she did. And after I asked her to please give me another chance to show her how much I had truly grown to love her, care for her, anything... I would do literally ANYTHING for her... She is with someone else now.
She's 16 1/2, and is already about to graduate by December since she's homeschooled and did everything super fast, she'd normally be a junior then.
Her new girlfriend is in college, and apparently... She's head over heels in love. They both are. I've been told that they've experienced so much in a short time, that she'd never consider leaving her, and that they fully understand eachother.... It broke my heart, pretty much shattering it... It hurt so badly, but I finally got the picture tonight as she was telling me I basically had no chance in the future, as they had talked about marriage an growing old together.... I still don't believe this, because they've only been together two months, but she said it with such conviction and attachement, and claimed that she'd probably never get over her if this did happen.......
So, basically, I've been extremely depressed ever since the news was given that she got a girlfriend, and now even more-so, that I honestly believe that in the future, my chances to get her back are slim to none....
Those 10 months were the happiest I'd ever been, and she was the best girlfriend in the world... Loving, caring, nice, never disrespecting of my wishes, always concerned for me... She was basically perfect, she was in my mind, "The One"...
Then the thoughts that come up about me ruining it all, because I did, I started freakin the relationship up by neglecting her about 8 months in, and blaming her, and being a HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING in general, it pisses me off that I did that so badly, but it's done I guess.. I can't change it, I promised to do differently in the future... but what if there isn't a future now?
Honestly, lately, my whole life has been devoted to this girl in my eyes... I would do anything and everything for her to love me again... and I've tried saying anything possible that could possibly accomplish it(always truthful, though.)
Nothing worked. She's as solid as ever in her conviction, and I'm starting to think it's a waste of time.
Then I can't help but remember a quote posted on facebook by a friend...
"Perhaps the most comforting thought is that the best days are yet to come."
And then I thought, what if my best days are now behind me? I mean, honestly, my only desire in life is to find a nice girl(like her), get married, and provide for her with love, devotion, kindness, and basically making her feel the best I can, I want to make someone the happiest girl alive, and that's basically my only want in life, no ambitions for jobs, not MUCH in terms of others, though a good job is kinda needed to care for her with a decent house, but that's besides the point.
The point of this thread is that what if I blew it? What if I discarded my one chance at happiness with the love of my life? What if I literally have no better days ahead, because I already assured myself that my life is fudged since I ruined things with this perfect girl...
It's honestly really depressing, and I've honestly thought about just killing myself.. I know,I know, it's selfish, childish, and isn't worth it, it hurts others a lot more... I know that... I'm just not sure, my heart aches with pain at the memories of her laughing, smiling at me, admittedly have 'cam sex' or whatever the fudge you want to call it, and the memories hurt. I ruined that. I ruined the legit best thing to ever happen to me.
This is getting way too long... Basically, I'm looking for support... For helpful words... Something, anything... I just want this pain to go away.. None of the suicide guides I looked up really helped with any tips, so I just decided to try to get help instead, since I mentally was sketchy about the idea already, and don't really want to go through that length to stop the pain.