Just feeling bad

[Koekert]

Yeah well, just posting this thread to express my feelings at the moment.

So yeah, stuff's a bit messed up at the moment for me. Half the time I feel bad, which results in me not being motivated for school and now I probably won't make this year and have to do it all over again.

The reason I feel bad is because I know this one girl, I know she will never love me because she is my best girl friend, but I have loved her for a couple of months. Like, very badly. Made a thread about her before in the section. Anyways, things seemed to get better, especially when I kissed with this one girl I kind of liked at the beginning of the year however I never spoke to her. We had some kind of party here, I brought her home and we kissed. However, she doesn't love me (That's what she told me afterwards), we barely know eachother, and I am pretty sure nothing's changed. I don't really love her but I wouldn't mind spending some good nights with her.

Well, today we had some thing for school so we have to do voluntary work. First thing, I screwed up things at my work because I didn't call them saying I couldn't come, so basically ignored there calls. freakin screwed that up. Then, things seemed pretty cool with that very good girl friend and my best friend today, were pretty close and stuff, thought I could stand anything she would do and didn't love her anymore, however I still can't stand her being close with someone else.. It's the feeling a brother or father has over his sister/daughter. Just wanting to protect her, kind of. Not wanting to just let her go off. I don't think I really love her but.. I have no clue.

So, today we met some guys and they kind of seemed to impress her. I know they are not the kind of people she falls for, ever, however it still hurt because I got kind of shut up and was quite silent and she was having so much fun. Every freakin time I am with girls I have the feeling I bore them. We laugh, but I always have the feeling other guys are making her laugh so much more, she wants to be with them. I am just this random guy girls can find nice but that's freakin it.

Also, because of work I am most of the times tired, so screwing up school even more. At home I have two freakin best parents, they always look after me and I am certain not many people can claim to have such loving parents, but I keep getting very upset at home, without any reason. And that makes me feel bad everytime.

I kind of feel like I wanna cry right now. Like, cry for hours and not caring about the fact I should be manlier. Just want to get off this planet. Not wanting to commit suicide but.. Just going off. Starting a journey. I want to stop living this predictable life. I want to make something out of my life, not giving a fudge what it'll be but if I ever end up getting a boring job like every person has and being just like the other billions of people on this planet, I would surely kill myself.. I am not suicidal and wouldn't do such a thing but.. Going off and starting a new life somewhere else. Like Into the Wild.. Damn.

These are pretty much my feelings at the moment, feeling like crap really. There's a lot of more stuff but I know my post would become huge. Thanks if you read this and, if you feel the same in any way, comment and I will definitely try to help you. Thanks for this amazing forum guys.

Greetings, Pontoe