01-24-2012, 06:57 AM
Well, Smurof Troppus seems like a great place to have fun. 
The story was quite well written and the concept was good as well. It had me until the last couple paragraphs where you seemed to be rushing towards the end. That was a bit annoying.
Stories like this where you would want the reader to be threaded along until the finale would generally have to run slowly and steadily. Also, there were points where you seemed to clump together to many parts of a sentence. Although its supposed to be in First Person and someone may in fact talk/think like that, it doesn't do well for the reader. Just adds even more to the "rushing" effect.
Seriousness aside, I really had a nice laugh at the end.
The story was quite well written and the concept was good as well. It had me until the last couple paragraphs where you seemed to be rushing towards the end. That was a bit annoying.
Stories like this where you would want the reader to be threaded along until the finale would generally have to run slowly and steadily. Also, there were points where you seemed to clump together to many parts of a sentence. Although its supposed to be in First Person and someone may in fact talk/think like that, it doesn't do well for the reader. Just adds even more to the "rushing" effect.
Seriousness aside, I really had a nice laugh at the end.