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Thanks for helping me out. Constructive criticism is more than appreciated.

A Moment Lost To Time
by James Watari

I wish I could tell you now, what I was afraid to tell you then
If I had spoken you would know that you were my bliss
What I would give if I could live yesterday again
I would hold you until the end with a goodbye and final kiss

If I had spoken you would know that you were my bliss
I should have cherish every second, every breath
I would hold you until the end with a goodbye and final kiss
Now this soul is hollow, for eternity, scarred with regret

I should have cherish every second, every breath
Now you can no longer breathe
Now this soul is hollow, for eternity, scarred with regret
Scars burst open as my broken heart continues to bleed

Now you can no longer breathe
I scream!! Hoping that maybe you will hear my voice
Scars burst open as my broken heart continues to bleed
I would be the one on my way to the unknown… If in the end it was my choice

I scream!! Hoping that maybe you will hear my voice
I know my shouting is in vain
I would be the one on my way to the unknown… If in the end it was my choice
The gods have lost a dear child, their tears create the piercing rain

I know my shouting is in vain
What I would give if I could live yesterday again
The gods have lost a dear child, their tears create the piercing rain
I wish I could tell you now, what I was afraid to tell you then

It is romantic in a depressing way. Are you trying to make someone cry?

(06-07-2010, 11:39 PM)Eve Wrote: [ -> ]It is romantic in a depressing way. Are you trying to make someone cry?

I try not to, but if it does make someone cry that means that I have effectively communicated my feelings. This is the product of my heart, mind and soul working in unison. My life encrypted through poetry basically. My poetry always has a bit of sadness to it, perhaps it is because I am still not satisfied with where I am at in life. Some people vent by throwing fits and acting out of character I tend to vent by writing my poems.

That was really good!
The sad feelings of regret I experience that a lot

Damn man this really is deep, Did you write this for/towards somebody?

Err, constructive criticism eh? Well, lyrics are choppy for one. And secondly your are inconsistently redundant... that literary effect wasn't properly formulated.

However,

76% : Structure
91% : Content

Congrats. Excellent quality content.

ALSO:

I understand that the feeling you are trying to express come out in a different way than the way they are written. However, what makes a great communicator (artist, radio-broadcaster, actor, writer etc.) is their ability to effectively implement creative work into an interface between your expressed emotion and the audience. The content is gorgeous, but the communicative structure is in bad need of repair my friend. This may sound harsh in a way, but I assure you that it is an utmost concern for your success at writing. ;p

Very good story it was romantic but also made me sad as well