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I am Angel of Death from HF so don't think I am ripping

I am always on track
Just an immortal man, dressed all in black
My face is all a crack
Don't kill me is all I hear, once I am there, I never go back

I carry my scythe all around
Floating on clouds, never touching thy ground
Why I am there, you will know
I bring my only friend, just an evil crow

No, not a vulture
A crow, a one of glory
A vulture gives torture
A crows sends off a shallow worry

I am the one and only of my job
I do not steal, cheat or rob
I simply open your soul to heaven or hell
Good or bad, I can tell

I am the man you dread
I don't pass my wine of my blood, or the bread of my body
Listen and cherish my breath
I am your angel of death.

Thoughts?

You were aiming for darker writing from what I can see, but that "My face is all a crack" bit ruined it.

(03-09-2012, 09:46 PM)Alreiger Wrote: [ -> ]You were aiming for darker writing from what I can see, but that "My face is all a crack" bit ruined it.

I didn't know how to word the idea of making the idea of a skeleton type face.

(03-09-2012, 09:50 PM)Winter™ Wrote: [ -> ]I didn't know how to word the idea of making the idea of a skeleton type face.

"My face deprived; cold and dark." would work in that spot, I'm not exactly sure how you could express a skull with a spatial limit like that.

It's a pretty good poem, I liked it. Still as Alreiger said there was a little part in there that didn't really fit. If you manage to find a replacement to that part, this would be an awesome poem. I liked your explanation of the crow also.

Would the words:

Just an immortal man, dressed all in black
My face always ready to attack...

Would attack work?

(03-10-2012, 01:25 PM)Winter™ Wrote: [ -> ]Would the words:

Just an immortal man, dressed all in black
My face always ready to attack...

Would attack work?

That leaves a little too much for the imagination and leaves a gap for the reader which breaks the train of thought, which really isn't good in poetry.