09-10-2011, 12:42 PM
Okay, I have no where to turn and speaking to anyone I know might make things worse. So here are the facts....
My best friend of 12 years just got out of a 7 year relationship in January.
It was only about 2 months ago that she started telling me that the relationship was filled with abuse, (emotional and physical) along with her supporting him financially.
She lied and kept this part secret because she said she was terrified he'd find out and hurt her for speaking up.
They have the same core group of friends and no individual outlet. So when she hangs with her friends, HE is always there.
If anyone knows what she told me, he will take it out on her, so she has begged me to never tell anyone (only one other friend that lives in a different state knows the details).
They both live at their parents house, he lives literally 2 doors away from her and goes to school where she works (she works at a college) so he is at her door and at her work every waking moment.
She refuses to call the cops on him, and her parents make her feel like she deserves it. She also refuses to seek counseling.
She can't ever speak up for herself, she is very meek and is never aggressive.
He is psychotic and has punched himself in the face many times when they argue (during and after the relationship).
When she tells me these things I constantly advise her to keep away from him, I call him many cursive names and she just nods in agreement..but then she says "I still love him, I can never cut him out of my life"
She also said she can't bear the thought of him being along since their group of friends will write him off if they knew the truth, and she was his one and only "best friend/girlfriend" the past 7 years. She is a total nursemaid to him.
He spends all her money (during and after the relationship) and he refuses to get a job.
He also calls her phone up to 50 times if she doesn't answer right away (during and after the relationship)
So on Tuesday she told him that she doesn't want to see him again outside their circle of friends. No more one on one time. On Wednesday he showed up to her work and they got into an argument which resulted in him throwing her against a wall and slapping her repeatedly. She immediately came to his defense when she told me this on Thursday by saying he "blacked out, it's medically proven" and she insisted she still loves him when I told her to stay away. She also said he hit her much worse in the past.
On Friday, she made a comment that she is stressed/can't get sleep/cries all the time for no reason/no desire to do anything. I told her that it was because of that "monster" (I have called him worse names before and she had no problem with that) but then she snaps "DON'T CALL HIM THAT"
Not wanting to escalate the situation, I said "okay how about 'the ex'?"
To which she coldly replies "HIS NAME IS LOIS"
That felt like a slap in the face. She never spoke back to me like that, never in a 11 years has she been upset with me like that. I am starting to realize with dread that she might be beyond help.
Now I'm worried that am walking a fine line where I will either A) Make her so upset with me by my remarks about him that she will stop being my friend after 11 years.
or B) She will slam her door on me and never open up to me about his abuse again.
I can't do anything or tell anyone, and I am very worried. So here are my questions:
Should I address the fact that I fear that her situation with her ex might cause our friendship to deteriorate?
If I can't tell her that he is wrong for her, then how in the world do I respond when she tells me "he showed up at my work again" "he called me a whore again" "he called my phone over THIRTY times in 4 minutes again" "we fought and he punched himself in his face until he bled again"????
Should I make sure that she still feels comfortable with being open with me? And if so, how do I go about this? Should I reassure her that I wont be harsh on this jerk?
But if I stand by and do NOTHING, then how do I react if things go from bad to worse? How can I even offer support if she refuses help, but still tells me the horrible things he does to her?
Okay...I guess that's all I got. I appreciate any responses and thank you for reading this.
My best friend of 12 years just got out of a 7 year relationship in January.
It was only about 2 months ago that she started telling me that the relationship was filled with abuse, (emotional and physical) along with her supporting him financially.
She lied and kept this part secret because she said she was terrified he'd find out and hurt her for speaking up.
They have the same core group of friends and no individual outlet. So when she hangs with her friends, HE is always there.
If anyone knows what she told me, he will take it out on her, so she has begged me to never tell anyone (only one other friend that lives in a different state knows the details).
They both live at their parents house, he lives literally 2 doors away from her and goes to school where she works (she works at a college) so he is at her door and at her work every waking moment.
She refuses to call the cops on him, and her parents make her feel like she deserves it. She also refuses to seek counseling.
She can't ever speak up for herself, she is very meek and is never aggressive.
He is psychotic and has punched himself in the face many times when they argue (during and after the relationship).
When she tells me these things I constantly advise her to keep away from him, I call him many cursive names and she just nods in agreement..but then she says "I still love him, I can never cut him out of my life"
She also said she can't bear the thought of him being along since their group of friends will write him off if they knew the truth, and she was his one and only "best friend/girlfriend" the past 7 years. She is a total nursemaid to him.
He spends all her money (during and after the relationship) and he refuses to get a job.
He also calls her phone up to 50 times if she doesn't answer right away (during and after the relationship)
So on Tuesday she told him that she doesn't want to see him again outside their circle of friends. No more one on one time. On Wednesday he showed up to her work and they got into an argument which resulted in him throwing her against a wall and slapping her repeatedly. She immediately came to his defense when she told me this on Thursday by saying he "blacked out, it's medically proven" and she insisted she still loves him when I told her to stay away. She also said he hit her much worse in the past.
On Friday, she made a comment that she is stressed/can't get sleep/cries all the time for no reason/no desire to do anything. I told her that it was because of that "monster" (I have called him worse names before and she had no problem with that) but then she snaps "DON'T CALL HIM THAT"
Not wanting to escalate the situation, I said "okay how about 'the ex'?"
To which she coldly replies "HIS NAME IS LOIS"
That felt like a slap in the face. She never spoke back to me like that, never in a 11 years has she been upset with me like that. I am starting to realize with dread that she might be beyond help.
Now I'm worried that am walking a fine line where I will either A) Make her so upset with me by my remarks about him that she will stop being my friend after 11 years.
or B) She will slam her door on me and never open up to me about his abuse again.
I can't do anything or tell anyone, and I am very worried. So here are my questions:
Should I address the fact that I fear that her situation with her ex might cause our friendship to deteriorate?
If I can't tell her that he is wrong for her, then how in the world do I respond when she tells me "he showed up at my work again" "he called me a whore again" "he called my phone over THIRTY times in 4 minutes again" "we fought and he punched himself in his face until he bled again"????
Should I make sure that she still feels comfortable with being open with me? And if so, how do I go about this? Should I reassure her that I wont be harsh on this jerk?
But if I stand by and do NOTHING, then how do I react if things go from bad to worse? How can I even offer support if she refuses help, but still tells me the horrible things he does to her?
Okay...I guess that's all I got. I appreciate any responses and thank you for reading this.