03-26-2011, 05:27 PM
03-26-2011, 08:16 PM
(03-26-2011, 05:27 PM)cody8295 Wrote: [ -> ]if i sit still for a momentI'm going to stress again my advice that I left on your other poem: you should focus more on narrative poetry. And tbh, this is too short for that. You need more description, more vibe, and more descriptively, coherent enigma, and more depth. And that's why I am rating this about 4/10. Take me where you are, let me hear the voice, let me see my surroundings, and allow me to mentally follow you during these different phantasms.
and just tune out,
i hear the sound of my mind
fighting my imagination.
and i see the images of my dreams
come to life moving and bouncing about,
but if i listen real close, my brain tunes in
to a station unfamiliar, from lands unknown.
all that i can hear is none that i can see,
all that i can see is all that i cant hear.
and then He whispers in my ear,
my mind tunes back, what did He say?
i dont remeber anything, i was there for a day.
if i recall what He said, i can journey there
for the words that he speaks, are the passwords back
Again I focused less on rhyming and more on what's going on.
Rate out of 10 and C&C. Thank you in advance.
03-26-2011, 08:17 PM
Pretty deep bro. Seems like your really getting in it. But the very last line// for the words that he speaks, are the passwords back......... I felt like that didn't really fit the poem.
03-26-2011, 08:29 PM
That's deep. I really like it.
03-26-2011, 08:34 PM
(03-26-2011, 08:16 PM)Calx Wrote: [ -> ]I'm going to stress again my advice that I left on your other poem: you should focus more on narrative poetry. And tbh, this is too short for that. You need more description, more vibe, and more descriptively, coherent enigma, and more depth. And that's why I am rating this about 4/10. Take me where you are, let me hear the voice, let me see my surroundings, and allow me to mentally follow you during these different phantasms.
I appreciate your feedback man, I'll try to include a lot more detail into my next poem. Thanks.
Thanks to everyone else for the feedback also.