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Hello SF,

I guess I should probably introduce myself. My name is Jon, and I am 15 years old. I have always been into writing, and English has always been my favorite subject in school. This will be my first poem ever published on SF. Please ignore the cluster-fudge of punctuation issues, it's just a rough draft of something I was writing. Also, I apologize about the change of tenses. I realize that the poem changes from past to present tense multiple times in the text. I was tired, and I wasn't really paying attention to it at the time. If I change it now, it will mess up the rhyme-scheme.

I actually didn't write this from my own perspective. What I wrote about are not my feelings, but rather the feelings of somebody else. I decided it would be neat to switch things up and put myself in the shoes of somebody who may be going through different issues in their life. This is not written about anybody I know personally; Just a harshly written poem by a man, who is obviously referring to his relationship issues with his significant other.

WARNING: This poem contains ADULT CONTENT and a copious amount of EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.

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Nothing I Could Do

I loved you with all I had
You stabbed me directly in the back
I was uncontrollably mad

I did everything for you
Then you turned around, and you looked me straight in the eye
It was obvious, we were done.. we were through!
There was nothing you could do
Go find another man to screw!
You wont bring me down
I will not roll over and die!
You won't control my life any longer!
We had some good times, that I can't deny
But things are not okay..
When I catch you with another guy!

You slut, you bitch
Go fudge yourself, you useless witch!
I don't want to be friends with you,
I want my stuff back, too!

I hope you freakin burn in hell,
I am no longer under your spell!
I see right through your little semantics,
You can't smother me with your stupid romantics!

I want you to die, no, I want you to suffer,
It's not like your soul could get any rougher!

You are the lowest of the low,
But now I know,
You're nothing but useless white trash,
Get the fudge out, you stupid hoe!

Your actions don't impress,
I see right through your skimpy little dress!
I wanted love, not meaningless sex,
The concept wasn't too complex!

Wait, never-mind; maybe I'm wrong ..
You're not a bitch, you've been there all along
It's my fault, it can't be yours!
It was me, why didn't I implore?

I'm so sorry, please don't leave!
Baby don't leave me laying here to grieve!
I lust you, I love you, stay with me babe
I will no longer deceive, I will only achieve!

I will forever love you, and I swear that is true
Give me one last chance!

I'll get down on my knee's,
I'm begging you, please!
When you're not around, my life is incredibly blue!

But then you turned around, and for the last time, looked me in the eyes
It was obvious at that moment,
We were done
We were through
There was absolutely nothing I could do ...

Feedback Is Appreciated!

I liked it alot to be honest!

Well done!

I like the rhyming scheme.

(09-01-2010, 06:38 PM)Zurmi Wrote: [ -> ]I liked it alot to be honest!

Well done!

I like the rhyming scheme.

Thanks! The rhyming scheme was that there was no rhyming scheme! Haha, I sometimes just ramble in my poetry and rhyme when I feel like it. I don't usually maintain solid patterns when it comes to rhyming.

I appreciate your feedback!

Exactly! No rhyming scheme!

It gets really repetitive to me sometimes.

Great work, once again.

(09-01-2010, 06:43 PM)Zurmi Wrote: [ -> ]Exactly! No rhyming scheme!

It gets really repetitive to me sometimes.

Great work, once again.

Agreed. Poems that follow the exact same rhyming pattern can sometimes be a little dull or predictable, yet sometimes can provide the authenticity needed to give the reader/listener a sense of security and comfort. I know that doesn't make much sense, but the point I am trying to get across is; Predictability is sometimes a good thing, pertaining to the comfort and stability it can provide.

Don't worry, I get what you mean.

I guess it all depends on the tone of your piece you know what I mean?

(09-01-2010, 08:16 PM)Zurmi Wrote: [ -> ]Don't worry, I get what you mean.

I guess it all depends on the tone of your piece you know what I mean?

That's true. I think that tone and voice are very important pertaining to the way certain words are portrayed in poetry. I would perform this piece myself if I wasn't so shy. Maybe I will one day :$

Also, tone in whether it's a happy or sad poem.

Trust me, it'd be a good idea to perform it. You could gain a lot of ideas from doing it that other people will present to you after hearing it performed.

(09-01-2010, 08:27 PM)Zurmi Wrote: [ -> ]Also, tone in whether it's a happy or sad poem.

Trust me, it'd be a good idea to perform it. You could gain a lot of ideas from doing it that other people will present to you after hearing it performed.

Thanks. I will take that into consideration!

No problem.

The reactions and comments will be a lot different when they hear it as opposed to read it.