12-30-2017, 04:50 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-31-2017, 01:16 PM by Loulou.
Edit Reason: Change
)
Hi all, I don't know if this is the right place to be posting this but I just feel like I need to go through it all and talk about it all to a stranger, someone who doesn't know me. I don't know why.
I'm going to apologise now for any bad spelling/grammar or typos because I haven't more than 2 hours of sleep per night in over 9 weeks so I am v v tired and there's a huge likelihood that half way through my sight will be blurred by tears.
Up until the age of 9 I had a very sheltered and amazing childhood, I am very lucky for this and am imensely grateful to my mum for ensuring this was possible. In September 2008 my parents separated. I felt confident and happy that everything would be ok, it never massively affected me, mainly bc I was never close to my dad, we rarely spent anytime together and when we did this consisted of me sitting on the window ledge of the local betting shop waiting for him to finish his daily bets. My dad was a gambling addict, when they split it was discovered he had left my mum in thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt, in her name. Love made her blind, she had no idea he had received a loan for £23k just 2 days before walking out of our family home, of which we had to fight to keep. My dad almost made us homeless and failed to even acknowledge it. For the next 4 years I had to grow up incredibly fast and become the adult. Me and my mum (who suffered great depression) would sell furniture, clothes and jewellery to be able to buy food, we'd hide under the kitchen table where balifs couldn't see us for fear we'd lose everything. It has taken 9 years for my mum to clear every penny of debt but we did it, through hard work and scrimping for every penny we did it! Every year we'd say "this will be our year" but each year something was dumped on usFrom abusive relationships, to loved ones hooked on every drug imaginable, family rifts and losing friends.. We gradually learnt to find the positives in everything... until this year.
I started 2017 with the quote/idea "if you dislike your life change it" so I got a job, from January to end on November I worked a 19-30 hours in a weekend, whilst being at college 9-4.30 Mon-Friday and desperately trying to study every night. That job was incredibly tiring but it was easily the best decision I ever made. I gained a lot of confidence, I gained the ability to speak and get close to a male I found attractive (at 18 I still struggled and felt embarrassed at never having a proper boyf), I learnt lessons from him too ? I also managed to get a nest egg of savings of which were needed unbeknowns in the future. Then in May 2017 at 18 I thought my world had come crashing down when I found out my one ambition in life would be impossible, I can't have kids naturally. I went into self destruct mode until july, found myself drinking most nights, self harming, failing my course and pushing all loved ones away. Then one day idk how or why something just clicked, I never self harmed again, I decided to get fit and healthy would be the best way forward. Everything was looking up until 25th August when my nan had a fall. Minor, only a bruised knee but we decided she'd stay with us until she felt more comfortable and confident. Within the next 3 months she never went home, she had 4 more falls, she was diagnosed with diverticulitis, had septsis twice, her bowel ruptured in two places and she was put on pallative care. Luckily we managed to get her home 6 days before Christmas so we could make sure she had a good last Christmas surrounded by her family. Which we succeeded in. However it is now 30/12/17 she's been on morphine for 4 days, unresponsive for 2 (it's as if she's in a coma) and we think the worst could happen before the start of 2018. I honestly don't know how I'm going to recover from this, I haven't left the house since my nans been home, I can't bring myself to leave. I still have 6 months of college until I'm trained and I've missed a huge amount of work. I'm so scared of failing it. I already failed 4 gcses, 4 a levels and myself.
I know most won't read this far down, or won't know what to say. That's all everyone ever says atm "idk what to say" or people around me don't want to hear it. But just typing this all out even without advice has been good, I don't feel able to talk about it to my mum as we're all we have for each other and I need to be strong for her.
If anyone could give me some advice tho, how do I get through this? Or simply stories to restore my faith in the idea that one day our day will come.
Much love to everyone here and thank you in advance!
Sorry for the downer, happy new year xx
EDIT *** at 1pm on 31/12/17 my nan took her last breathe with myself and my mum holding her hands
I'm going to apologise now for any bad spelling/grammar or typos because I haven't more than 2 hours of sleep per night in over 9 weeks so I am v v tired and there's a huge likelihood that half way through my sight will be blurred by tears.
Up until the age of 9 I had a very sheltered and amazing childhood, I am very lucky for this and am imensely grateful to my mum for ensuring this was possible. In September 2008 my parents separated. I felt confident and happy that everything would be ok, it never massively affected me, mainly bc I was never close to my dad, we rarely spent anytime together and when we did this consisted of me sitting on the window ledge of the local betting shop waiting for him to finish his daily bets. My dad was a gambling addict, when they split it was discovered he had left my mum in thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt, in her name. Love made her blind, she had no idea he had received a loan for £23k just 2 days before walking out of our family home, of which we had to fight to keep. My dad almost made us homeless and failed to even acknowledge it. For the next 4 years I had to grow up incredibly fast and become the adult. Me and my mum (who suffered great depression) would sell furniture, clothes and jewellery to be able to buy food, we'd hide under the kitchen table where balifs couldn't see us for fear we'd lose everything. It has taken 9 years for my mum to clear every penny of debt but we did it, through hard work and scrimping for every penny we did it! Every year we'd say "this will be our year" but each year something was dumped on usFrom abusive relationships, to loved ones hooked on every drug imaginable, family rifts and losing friends.. We gradually learnt to find the positives in everything... until this year.
I started 2017 with the quote/idea "if you dislike your life change it" so I got a job, from January to end on November I worked a 19-30 hours in a weekend, whilst being at college 9-4.30 Mon-Friday and desperately trying to study every night. That job was incredibly tiring but it was easily the best decision I ever made. I gained a lot of confidence, I gained the ability to speak and get close to a male I found attractive (at 18 I still struggled and felt embarrassed at never having a proper boyf), I learnt lessons from him too ? I also managed to get a nest egg of savings of which were needed unbeknowns in the future. Then in May 2017 at 18 I thought my world had come crashing down when I found out my one ambition in life would be impossible, I can't have kids naturally. I went into self destruct mode until july, found myself drinking most nights, self harming, failing my course and pushing all loved ones away. Then one day idk how or why something just clicked, I never self harmed again, I decided to get fit and healthy would be the best way forward. Everything was looking up until 25th August when my nan had a fall. Minor, only a bruised knee but we decided she'd stay with us until she felt more comfortable and confident. Within the next 3 months she never went home, she had 4 more falls, she was diagnosed with diverticulitis, had septsis twice, her bowel ruptured in two places and she was put on pallative care. Luckily we managed to get her home 6 days before Christmas so we could make sure she had a good last Christmas surrounded by her family. Which we succeeded in. However it is now 30/12/17 she's been on morphine for 4 days, unresponsive for 2 (it's as if she's in a coma) and we think the worst could happen before the start of 2018. I honestly don't know how I'm going to recover from this, I haven't left the house since my nans been home, I can't bring myself to leave. I still have 6 months of college until I'm trained and I've missed a huge amount of work. I'm so scared of failing it. I already failed 4 gcses, 4 a levels and myself.
I know most won't read this far down, or won't know what to say. That's all everyone ever says atm "idk what to say" or people around me don't want to hear it. But just typing this all out even without advice has been good, I don't feel able to talk about it to my mum as we're all we have for each other and I need to be strong for her.
If anyone could give me some advice tho, how do I get through this? Or simply stories to restore my faith in the idea that one day our day will come.
Much love to everyone here and thank you in advance!
Sorry for the downer, happy new year xx
EDIT *** at 1pm on 31/12/17 my nan took her last breathe with myself and my mum holding her hands