10-16-2017, 08:10 PM
I started nursing school, my grandmother just passed away, and my boyfriend kicked me out of his apartment. I feel so alone and I feel like I don't have a purpose or meaning. I feel like the only reason that I am still fighting to live is so that I don't devastate my mother or my grandfather. This is how it all started... I met my ex boyfriend at the beach and we hit it off. Everything went well, we had the chemistry and we connected but he lived an hour away in a different state and after a while he started to pressure me about moving in with him. I didn't want to move in with him though, I made excuses. I was afraid and my gut was telling me that it was too soon. Plus, I wanted to go to school and I didn't want to leave my job, my friends, or my family. But he didn't want a long distance relationship and I felt like i was on top of the world with him. He had stability and he was handsome, emotionally attentive. The whole picture perfect package, or so I thought. After I moved in with him he started changing, we started fighting, he became more anxious, I became more jealous (found porn of him and his ex), and then he switched jobs and started working less from home and commuting to work about two hours. Meanwhile, I started going to nursing school which is something we both had agreed on. I am 23 and he is 30 so I still have to get my stuff together. Anyway, started out okay in school and then suddenly my grandma who raised me, who i called all the time passed away in another country. He quickly purchased us tickets so we could go bury my grandmother (which was really nice of him, i cant thank him enough). After all that passed and we came back and tried to settle into our routines again everything seemed to fail apart. More fights, name calling. Upset because i would come home late from work. He became a complete control freak and I? Well... I became self-destructive, depressed and he seemed to kick me morewhd not care. He lacks empathy, not a care in the world for my feelings. He is an actuary who makes what a doctor or surgeon would make in a year or more. I am a waitress who makes approximate 160 dollars in 3 night shifts. But he still took my money because he asked me to pay him back for the trip and a hole in the wall which i caused the night he asked me to get out of his house because i was microwaving something at 1 am after a 12 hour shift, and it was too loud for him, so i threw a cup at the wall because i was infuriated. We got physical and he dragged me out of house. I slept in my car until about 5 am. He started knowing on my window asking me to forgive him and so I. Again, we were happy for another day until he asked me to pay for the wall and took my $180 that i worked my butt off for. I feel so hurt and not because of the money but because he doesn't need it and he was just trying to be a jerk. But anyway we blew up and it got a little crazy and then he told me that i had 2 weeks to get out of his house. So i left that Sunday to a friend's. I'm here until I can find some place to live but I know i have to go soon. I want to be strong but i cant even focus enough to do any school work. I hate myself, my life and the ways things have turned out. I keep telling myself that maybe i shouldn't had screamed at him the way i did. maybe i shouldve explained things more clearly. I miss him but then i look at this side where he hasn't even asked me about my whereabouts. He doesn't give two shits about me. I feel like i lost the people i loved the most in the blink of an eye.