Afraid/unable to show her affection

[TheMoonwalker]

Hi there,


I hope i can receive some good advice for this, cause it really has turned into a problem and in my opinion....this shouldn't be the case at my age, i am 32. I am guy.


It's been six.....oh my lord,....six years that my girlfriend broke up with me. I was still madly in love with her, but she started to see me more as a good friend/brother than a romantic partner, her boyfriend basically. We've been together in total for three years. I am just gonna go ahead and admit it, since then i have not have any sex with a woman. The first few years after our break up i didn't do a single thing to try and find another girl and eventually i started giving it a shot, but i kept failing and failing, basically i just never got to date or whatsoever. Also for some reason, even though my brother recommended it to me, i did never sign up to dating sites.

But early last year via a friend i got to know a young lady and we became friends, however i did tell her i quite liked her. She at the time just wanted to get to know eachother better first. So after a small time we hung out more and more together, first it was once every few months, then every few weeks, and now it's at least once a week. I again made it known to her that i was quite fond of her and that i would be open to being more close with her, more than friendship, if she was too. She said she wanted to give it a shot, go on dates and see how things go. Our first date was in July this year, i decided to be honest with her and told her that i had difficulties in truly showing my affection for her, but i made sure to tell her that i really like her. We're now in September, been on a few more dates, you know, cinema, pool, dinner, all that.

Each time when i was going to the cinema with her or watch a movie at my place, i put it in my head (probably too much) that i at least should simply put my arm around her, hold her and SHOW my affection after having told her a million times, yet....something is keeping me from it. Maybe it's because i don't exactly get that vibe from her that she's into me as well, but at the same time...there have been plenty of signals that there IS something from her side. Examples are.....out of the blue she'd send me a picture over the phone messenger of hers with her hair loose, i'd flirt back then and tell her it looked great, even sexy. She then sent back a kissy icon. Or a voice recording where she said ''Sweet (my name), thank you for today. I had a lovely time etc...'' Or out of the blue message me and ask me if she can come over and cook for me.And sometimes just out of the blue another kissy icon, etc. I could be wrong..but those things DO seem to be something from her. That she likes me more than a friend.


This evening we went to the cinema and i had made a deal, so to speak, with myself to definitely finally freaking put my arm around her this time, but of course i didn't do a damn thing. The only thing i did is when we got out of the cinema, i briefly put my arm around her and asked if she had a great time, but this felt too friendly, nothing more, nothing less, certainly not romantic. Truly holding her in the cinema would have been the best....why did i not do this? Why do i seem to be so afraid to show her affection? Is it my previous relationship that has 'damaged' something for me or anything? I mean..after the cinema she even asked if i wanted to come to her house with her or if i wanted to go back to my own place again. Now at her place it wasn't like she was all over me and what not, but maybe she indeed was waiting for me to make the move, take the initiative. But no...what i did was sit on the couch, have a drink and watch some tv with her.


At her place while watching tv...i should have hold her on the couch or do something else. Right now nothing happens and i am only TELLING her that i care so much about her and that i find her so great, but do i show it? Barely. I've been told by plenty folks that in most cases women expect the guy to make the first move, doesn't have to be a kiss, could simply be holding her. This way i am only being a friend to her and nothing but that, until...she meets a guy that is not afraid to do anything and bam....forever friends. Pretty much any other guy would have already done this, hell they probably would have had countless times of holding her, cuddling and maybe also kissing her. Why do i seem unable to simply do something else other than the usual friendly three kisses on the cheek and that's it? Hell...i don't even simply grab her hand at the cinema or whenever, or brush mine against hers. I think about doing it...and i end up doing nothing. ~~I act like it's something evil to do, hold a lady that i like, put my arm around her. Jeez, worse case scenario she jumps up and says....''Look....this is not what i really want.'' And then i know it for sure, no more uncertainty and we can just be friends. Or....she actually likes it and rests her head on me, who knows.



Any kind of advice would be great.

[Good vibes]

I think a common problem we all have is that we tend blow things WAY out of proportion. We over think and over analyze every little detail, driving ourselves mad in the process. We conjure up these scenarios in our head of how a particular situation will, or should, play out. And if reality fails to align with our expectations, we feel angry, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. This is all seen through the lens of our perception, the way we interpret the world. This lens tends to distort reality when you only focus on what goes wrong, versus focusing on the bright side of what went right. Law of attraction 101 - what you put out into the world is what you receive. (if you haven't looked into "law of attraction" check it out!)

Don't put so much pressure on yourself! If you don't hold her hand, you don't hold her hand. There's no problem with that. Instead of setting up expectations for what you should to do escalate physical contact, just focus on the quality of the time you guys spend together. It sounds cliche, but take everything one moment at a time. Catch yourself over thinking silly things, and replace those thoughts with positive ones.

Use some positive visualization. Actually take the time to envision, in your mind, the ideal scenario/interaction with her and what it would looks like, smell like, feel like. Lastly, don't let your past mess up your present. The past is dead, there's no way to change it and there's no sense in fretting over it. If you feel inadequate or unsure in the moment, own that feeling 100%. Recognize it's there and allow yourself to be human and have those feelings. Just focus on being your authentic self and taking things one moment at a time - (mindfulness, check it out). Let things unfold naturally and organically, and be yourself. You got this. Good luck!

[TheMoonwalker]

Hi there,

Thanks for the nice reply, i really appreciate it.

Yes i can only agree with you that people over think and analyze things. And in this case i am guilty as charged of that, lol. It is also definitely true that it's not a good thing to set up expectations for myself and i have been doing that...all the time really. For a while now each time before i go to her place or she comes to visit my place, i tell myself i should at least...'''Hold her hand or simply hold her, do something affectionate.'' Trying to set up the perfect scenario for myself, but at the end of the day i don't do a thing. Even the cinema evenings were slightly ruined for myself and it was all my fault...for some reason i kept putting it in my head that it was a must that i'd do something affectionate to her, like you said, putting way too much pressure on myself and ending in failure or just nothing.

So i have decided....like you said, just take everything one moment at a time. Now that i think about it, it really isn't good to put all those things in my head like it's something i really must do. Something affectionate should be meant, should be heartfelt and spontaneous. What i CAN do is simply start acting less like a normal friend and be more playful and flirty with her, and just do things when it feels right.

[Eternal.]

My advice, just put your damned arm around her. Just do it, don't think about it. See where that takes you.