05-10-2010, 12:36 AM
Although I should initially do first a hello post, I had to get this off my chest and it is fairly late into the night for me and I have to get up in a few hours but can not sleep. So tomorrow I will formally introduce myself.
I don't want to cry. I haven't cried since my grandfather died in August, so many things in my life have gone wrong and I feel like I am the only support beam for the falling down shelter. In August my grandfather died, two weeks later my aunt from the other side of the family died. We had to sell our horses the horses my mother raised and lived for. Work and school became to much and i had to quit my job in October, because of which I am very fair behind in medical bills which a lot of them are not being paid by my insurance because they want them to be pre-existing though its not. I have horrible trouble breathing and needed X-rays and tests to try and figure this out, on top of my actual pre-existing condition that the MDA helps me with on trying to figure out what nuero-muscular disease I have which is scary enough not knowing what's going to happen to you in the future, if your gonna be able to walk 5 years from now. I need new leg braces for these ones hurt my feet but braces cost about 8grand a piece. My dad has been out of his job for 2 years now, has a hernia and barely any teeth, and his unemployment has now stopped coming. My mom is our sole source of income and she barely brings in 16$ an hour for a family of 5. My cat, my best friend closest friend, died from a liver disease I still blame myself for not having the money or knowledge to get him help sooner. We then lost our house to the bank, without them informing us they sold it and we had 30 days to move. For those 30 days I had to pack, clean, support my mother, be the sole responsibility of finding our three big dogs a home- three dogs we all raised from birth, and help look for a house. During the move my mother had a TIA (its a miniature stroke), we ended up having to move into a two story which is extremely hard for my legs and breathing. I found a home for the dogs in a sanctuary but the nun is horrible at computers so I am constantly missing them and wishing I knew what happened to them. Although my mother is doing better I know that she is stressed and unhappy that my father is not doing the best he can at finding a job. I am the oldest of three kids, my sister is 17 and still has never had a permit which I start feeling responsible that I need to get it for her, my brother who is 18 has yet to lift a finger towards chores in this house, we have an old cat who we snuck into a rental two story that must be on medication that I, again am responsible for. Finals are coming and I have a blank on my last final paper. I have no idea where I'm going to go to school next semester or even how I will pay for it...
I only have one friend I feel comfortable enough to talk to but I feel like I am always whining and going to him that he will start resenting me for it. Who wants to hear someone bitch every day? But I can't do it. I can't cry I wont be able to stop. And I can't stop moving, life will not stop for me. I need to find a job so i can actually go to college for my career. And my chest hurts, I can't breath I can't sleep, I can't think. I have so much to do in 5 hours and I have no rest. No closure. I just keep pushing it down deep down because its the only way I can deal with all this.
I am sorry for the extremely long post..I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere..anywhere. I just need some friends who I don't feel like I'm burdening. I really am not the kind of person who likes to cry or wade in self pity or problems, there is just to much for me to handle now.
I don't want to cry. I haven't cried since my grandfather died in August, so many things in my life have gone wrong and I feel like I am the only support beam for the falling down shelter. In August my grandfather died, two weeks later my aunt from the other side of the family died. We had to sell our horses the horses my mother raised and lived for. Work and school became to much and i had to quit my job in October, because of which I am very fair behind in medical bills which a lot of them are not being paid by my insurance because they want them to be pre-existing though its not. I have horrible trouble breathing and needed X-rays and tests to try and figure this out, on top of my actual pre-existing condition that the MDA helps me with on trying to figure out what nuero-muscular disease I have which is scary enough not knowing what's going to happen to you in the future, if your gonna be able to walk 5 years from now. I need new leg braces for these ones hurt my feet but braces cost about 8grand a piece. My dad has been out of his job for 2 years now, has a hernia and barely any teeth, and his unemployment has now stopped coming. My mom is our sole source of income and she barely brings in 16$ an hour for a family of 5. My cat, my best friend closest friend, died from a liver disease I still blame myself for not having the money or knowledge to get him help sooner. We then lost our house to the bank, without them informing us they sold it and we had 30 days to move. For those 30 days I had to pack, clean, support my mother, be the sole responsibility of finding our three big dogs a home- three dogs we all raised from birth, and help look for a house. During the move my mother had a TIA (its a miniature stroke), we ended up having to move into a two story which is extremely hard for my legs and breathing. I found a home for the dogs in a sanctuary but the nun is horrible at computers so I am constantly missing them and wishing I knew what happened to them. Although my mother is doing better I know that she is stressed and unhappy that my father is not doing the best he can at finding a job. I am the oldest of three kids, my sister is 17 and still has never had a permit which I start feeling responsible that I need to get it for her, my brother who is 18 has yet to lift a finger towards chores in this house, we have an old cat who we snuck into a rental two story that must be on medication that I, again am responsible for. Finals are coming and I have a blank on my last final paper. I have no idea where I'm going to go to school next semester or even how I will pay for it...
I only have one friend I feel comfortable enough to talk to but I feel like I am always whining and going to him that he will start resenting me for it. Who wants to hear someone bitch every day? But I can't do it. I can't cry I wont be able to stop. And I can't stop moving, life will not stop for me. I need to find a job so i can actually go to college for my career. And my chest hurts, I can't breath I can't sleep, I can't think. I have so much to do in 5 hours and I have no rest. No closure. I just keep pushing it down deep down because its the only way I can deal with all this.
I am sorry for the extremely long post..I just needed to get this off my chest somewhere..anywhere. I just need some friends who I don't feel like I'm burdening. I really am not the kind of person who likes to cry or wade in self pity or problems, there is just to much for me to handle now.