06-17-2011, 01:11 PM
I haven't witnessed too many happy marriages. My parents never should have gotten together period, my grandfather, while a loving guy and great father, cheated on my grandmother for years, and a number of my cousins have been cheated on and/or beat.
I never thought I'd find someone. I decided, at 15, that I never wanted to be married and I didn't trust men. At 19, I met someone who I fell in love with and he made me trust him. Shortly afterward, he broke my heart. Repeatedly. There is no trust left at all. He shattered any remaining remnants of my trust the day he cheated on me.
I just found out about it Wednesday night. I was so upset that I crawled into bed with my Mom at 4:00am, bawling. I've been crying every day and I've puked twice. I'm anxious and the anxiety almost never goes away. I can't sleep hardly at all. Falling asleep is nearly impossible until I've become so worn down that I'm about to collapse and even then I have bad dreams and wake up repeatedly. I barely eat, even thinking of food makes me sick. I am afraid I'll throw up so I'm afraid to eat like normal...if I even could.
I seem to get worse when I am alone. I have no friends at home, only friends at college and I'm home for the summer. When no one is online, I get upset. The anxiety starts to climb ever so slowly and I get paranoid. I tried to cut him out of my life but I'm still talking to him. We aren't together and it kills me to think of him moving on. He insists that he still cares about me and is sorry but I feel like our entire relationship was just a joke. Nearly 4 years of lies. I was honest, he wasn't. But I can't bring myself to move on. Being alone makes me so anxious and I can't get myself to focus on anything else. When I leave the house, I feel uncomfortable because I feel like breaking down in tears at any given moment.
I haven't really wanted to take care of myself. I don't feel compelled to try to eat or drink. I'm not all that worried about my health and I have self-destructive thoughts. I don't know how to snap myself out of it...the anxiety is probably the worst part.
I never thought I'd find someone. I decided, at 15, that I never wanted to be married and I didn't trust men. At 19, I met someone who I fell in love with and he made me trust him. Shortly afterward, he broke my heart. Repeatedly. There is no trust left at all. He shattered any remaining remnants of my trust the day he cheated on me.
I just found out about it Wednesday night. I was so upset that I crawled into bed with my Mom at 4:00am, bawling. I've been crying every day and I've puked twice. I'm anxious and the anxiety almost never goes away. I can't sleep hardly at all. Falling asleep is nearly impossible until I've become so worn down that I'm about to collapse and even then I have bad dreams and wake up repeatedly. I barely eat, even thinking of food makes me sick. I am afraid I'll throw up so I'm afraid to eat like normal...if I even could.
I seem to get worse when I am alone. I have no friends at home, only friends at college and I'm home for the summer. When no one is online, I get upset. The anxiety starts to climb ever so slowly and I get paranoid. I tried to cut him out of my life but I'm still talking to him. We aren't together and it kills me to think of him moving on. He insists that he still cares about me and is sorry but I feel like our entire relationship was just a joke. Nearly 4 years of lies. I was honest, he wasn't. But I can't bring myself to move on. Being alone makes me so anxious and I can't get myself to focus on anything else. When I leave the house, I feel uncomfortable because I feel like breaking down in tears at any given moment.
I haven't really wanted to take care of myself. I don't feel compelled to try to eat or drink. I'm not all that worried about my health and I have self-destructive thoughts. I don't know how to snap myself out of it...the anxiety is probably the worst part.