Critique this essay?

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Yes i agree never write in 1st person. Try not to use words like "us" ect, on the other hand you used good words, and you sounded proffesional. Good job.

I believe that although pretty short, that it is above average.

I also believe that the points that you make are as important, or maybe more important in some cases than how you say it technically.

As far as 'rules' are concerned, if everybody followed them like sheep,
then writing would not evolve and be eventaully boring.

I have heard that where some may say that writng in the first person is not a good idea,
some authors have created a conversation, or maybe a monologue in the first person,
by a character within the story to get around this problem, or something along those lines.

Ultimately though, it would be for teachers to grade it and as you are probably aware, their views may vary.

I say pretty well done though.