06-11-2015, 07:26 PM
It all started about a year ago when I helped my cousin move out of her old house. At that time she was 21, and I was 18. Before then I never really noticed her but for whatever reason, after those few days of helping her out, we just clicked. I got to know her better, and I learned she was like a female version of me. We have so much in common, it's creepy. One year ago I knew it was a simple crush, and I assumed that I would eventually just grow out of it, but that didn't happen. After that summer we began hanging out with each other a lot more. We went to the gym, binge watched shows, and we would even study together! Although those thing may seem simple and plain, those were the best days of my life. She filled my life with so much joy, and she still does. This one year of awkward love has got me questioning the boundaries we have set on love and whether incest really is as bad as its common perception. While spending time with her was so amazing, it was also an unbelievably cruel hell, because I knew no matter what happened, she would never love me the same way I love her, and If she did, no one would ever understand the position we're in. This summer we went on a 5 day cruise to mexico with each others families. You could not imagine the excitement in my heart when I learned that I'd be spending 5 days on a ship with her. On the third day of the cruise we stopped in Cozumel, the final destination. We got to a beach and we all began drinking. At a certain point, my cousin's mom began talking about my and my cousins relationships. The truth is, we're still both virgins and have never been in a relationship ever. We're both very inexperienced and terribly insecure. Her mom then said the craziest thing. She said that if my cousin and I weren't related, we'd make the perfect couple. You might think that at this point I was probably overwhelmed with joy, but no. I had sunken deeper into this hell, because I knew at that time that I wasn't crazy. I learned that my feelings made sense and were based in reality. It wasn't an irrational pursuit. After that, I had an amazing conversation with my cousin. For a brief moment in time we both revealed our insecurities and fears with each other. It was crazy how exactly the same our thoughts were. We both felt that a real relationship would never happen, but we both wanted one. We both wanted children and a family life. We both thought if we weren't cousins, we would be perfect with each other. We were both drunk at this point wading in the ocean. I remember looking at her and realizing how lucky I was to just be standing next to her. That day was so odd. I swear it felt like the universe was pushing us together. In the midst of this heartfelt conversation a boy came up to us, and we began talking to him. He asked us how old we were, and we said, "how old do we look?" I swear these were his words, "You look like boy friend and girlfriend about 20." We reassured him that we were cousins, but in reality I want to say, "Yes! You're correct!" Another part of this story is that I use to have weight issues and was extremely heavy. I recently had lost a lot of weight, but I'm still insecure of my body. Despite this, she still didn't judge me. She even told me that when looking for a partner, she isn't concerned too much with their body. She really is a wonderful person, but it hurts so much not being able to tell her how I truly feel. I need someone to talk to about these feelings because no one would ever understand what I'm going through everysingle day I live. I figure the inernet would be the best place to find some help but also misdirectied hate. Please respond only if you have something helpful to say or have been in the position I'm in.