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hi

I think im going insane

i've been depressed a long time

i ran away from home once and biked around 80km before passing out in a ditch and getting taken to a hospital
i left at 4am

almost every night i wake up at 4am
or i can only stay awake till 4am

the more i think about it the more retarded it gets
i've thought about killing my whole family just because
setting the house on fire and dissapearing

i've thought about going out and breaking into houses
just for the heck of it

everything seems to happen at 4am

i have confidence at 4am

like anything is possible

I feel like a new man

but the second i wake up it is gone again

i have no idea what is happening to me

sometimes i dont leave the house for weeks on end, holed up in my room
sometimes i just start to cry, until 4am

what is it with 4am

it is 6:02 am now

and the effect from 4am has not yet worn off
motivation is still here

anger is here
im so angry at everyone
i curse people out in a game im playing for no particular reason
i freakin hate people right now
why am i even freakin here
i hate talking to my parents about anything
they just give the same shitty talks over and over
trying to base things off their own experiences

nobody understands

nothing is wrong with my life and yet everything is wrong
4am
everything changes and i want it to be there forever

but i fear what i become at 4am
im not the nice kid who everyone knows at 4am
im a freakin lunatic
if people heard my thoughts at 4am i'd be in the mental asylum by now

they've sent people for less

where am i going with life

i feel like there's no consequences to my actions
i never regret anything i do at 4am
it just kind of settles in, whether i like it or not

i want to settle in

to something

but what

help


me

You're not crazy. You're depressed and frustrated. Your condition is quite normal really, and I can say this with confidence because I felt the same way in highschool when I was depressed. Do you have access to a school counselor? Or maybe a Psychologist? The reason I ask is because you've obviously got some issues that you need to address, and those issues can be almost impossible, if not impossible to resolve on your own. I too feel very confident and comfortable in the earlier hours of the morning. It's easer to be at peace with everything, but you can't live like this. I'd strongly recommend a visit to the school counselor and/or a psychologist. The fact that you're having homicidal thoughts is somewhat concerning. Everybody feels like killing their parents at one point or another but you shouldn't be fantasizing about it and the whole concept should seem completely crazy to you and if it's not, you really do need some kind of help before things escalate. Do you work out a lot? Do you socialize with anyone in real life? How's your diet? These are all things that will affect your mood. My advice, talk to your Doctor or counselor (you don't have to tell them everything) and try to relax buddy. 

Best of luck.

As mentioned you're probably depressed.

Is something bothering you overall? What usually triggers theses emotions?

It's not just you, I often have a lot of confidence late at night and then it's gone in the morning when I wake up.
I feel like you need to find a hobby that interests you which you can escape to when you have these thoughts.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can eventually find a solution to this problem.

Every day night we all think, we're going to do something productive tomorrow. We're going to change our practices and everything.

And then, we end up doing nothing useful. It's not just you. ;)

It sounds like your mind is very overwhelmed. Do you have any strategies you use to relax? How are you doing now?

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org