07-09-2013, 11:53 AM
I have confession I would like to make and its been something I have held in for quite sometime. But it stems from my life and I wonder if I am just a horrible person or just mentally "messed up" sorta speak. (please don't "stereotype" because I am being brutally honest and I want honest answers) Its gonna be LONG but its something I wanna get off my chest for the longest time.
This is sort of my life story.
It started from when I was kid where in my earliest memories I used to feel always happy about things and life (which normal young kids do right?) Then I remember my parents always arguing which sorta changed everything. Even though I acted like I didn't care....the truth is after my little brother was born my parents were always threatening to leave each other. Now personally I didn't care about that (I really didn't) but what hurt me was that during these conflicts the 2 people I loved more then anyone else in the world would often USE me to tell me who I wanted to be with. They couldn't do it on my broth because If I can remember correctly he couldn't even talk. This went on for weeks because I didn't want to make a decision, it didn't help on the fact that in some ways they were in some sort of emotional way pushing their real life problems on to me. One day I finally caved in because none of them wanted to hear my feelings nor do I think they even cared, because in the end no matter how much they loved me I was a "pawn" to be used in a divorce scheme. So I chose my dad not because I loved him more, but I wanted it done. but in the end it made my mother cry and it made me feel guilty because I ended up hurting someone in my blood family. It was literally stressful enough for me to pull my hair out and I couldn't sleep.
But in the end they both went their ways and got divorced which was awesome but I really didn't feel the same because if they loved me why would they use me like that? and it always make angry whenever I thought about. But I eventually got to see them both from time to time.
School was never any better. Another confession. I have Aspergers....or do I? because when ever I was taken to therapist and doctors they always come up with different answers. Yes, but its almost none existent, or none at all. But REGARDLESS I was put into a special ed class
And another confession I HATE Autistics (yes I feel bad for it) Hate is a strong word but I do. Its not very much the "person" but its the very "LABEL" that I don't like. Truth is I was ahead of everyone in preschool and yet I was treated like someone.....lower. It eventually got worse when my teachers told me to relate or associate with them, when that is just it! I never wanted to! And it didn't help learning the fact that autism can be carried on through pregnancy. Can you understand what it feels like to be labeled as GARBAGE since the day you were born?! I would rather have cancer (No I am serious) The thing is I am very intelligent and a very high thinker which is why I sorta developed a bad habit of stuttering because I think WAY TOO MUCH when when I talk. And it inflicted sooo much anger upon me that I eventually did start hating the "people" but I would never show it however because I wanted to be a "nice" guy. So I just sorta kept it deep down inside because if I said the how I felt I would honestly look like a rotten person.
My relationship with my teachers in early middle school weren't happy neither. They would always scream at me like I "acted" that I was better then everyone else when honestly I was finishing at the regular pace that I can to my abilities. And it didn't stop there....At recess when I was minding my own buisness drawing Godzilla pictures (yes I liked Godzilla when I was a kid so what?) heck I'd draw a lot of things. I'd draw a monster or something scary like Dracula or any classic movie monster (yes I am a movie freak) My teacher would rip it off my desk and tell me to draw something else. I told myself "he can't tell me what to do" so I told him that there is no reason why I shouldn't do what I like as long I don't hurt anyone or under minds my class work. And because of that I would often get grabbed by the collar of my shirt and shoved roughly against the wall by my own teacher and he threatened if I didn't draw anything else I will miss recess and he gave me a threatening look like he will hurt me. I told my parents and they said he shouldn't do that and they will speak to them, but of course they BARELY did anything about it. There was this one time that I'll never forget I was studying hard for this test because I was determined to prove myself to my parents that I am too smart for my class. I just strictly wanted to prove to them that. And the teacher (the one who hated me) erased one of my answers. I didn't harm my grade to hard but he completely erased it and I swear on my life I confronted him and he told me STRAIGHT its because I told my parents on him.
By that point I felt emotionally hopeless and it eventually escalated to the point where I was somewhat emotionally trapped and honestly its how I learned to "swear" believe it or not. People used to tell me its wrong but it felt SOOO good and I needed some sort of an outlet since hardly any person treated me like a "person"
My only real friends were my pet cat and a friend that would visit every year. My brother wasn't any comfort for me for we hated each other. My parents say it was a natural thing, but NO we really hated each other to the point that we would harm each other to the point where sometimes we'd be in the hospital.
The final year of middle school was the BEST days of my life, Why? because I was transferred to a NORMAL class and not only that, but they everyone treated me like a NORMAL person and a "welcomed" individual. I even made legit friends and it got to the point where sometimes alone in my room I wanted to cry because friendship was something sacred to me, But it was short lived when the school year was over.
The bad part was when my mother moved to a different apartment complex (the one where I was born in) I wanted to sleep upstairs but my brother slept there too and we both HATED each other which resulted in me moving myself to the moldy basement with the smell of cat litter. (because again we owned a cat) and I was pretty much back to the same "hole" I was in long ago.
It got to the point where I was contemplating suicide and what did my brother and mother do? My mother smoked a cigarette and said I wasn't going to do it, although I was actually trembling and I seriously felt like going through with it. My brother through a coffee cup up at my head and my head started bleeding and told me "good just do it so we can be rid of you" it got to the point where I seriously wanted to murder my own brother. We both struggled and fought and even broke a wooden part of the wall during the struggle and when that happened he threw it at my head and I had as scar over my eye brow ever since. (and it hurt)
When I reached High school I was again happy because I would again be meeting up with my friends. But eventually my friends would eventually move away or worse die in an accident. I started growing in depression. My mother tried to help, but she introduced me to this shady doctor who gave me zoloft and I was around 16-17 and was BELOW the age range yet they still gave it to me and all it did was shorten my anger tolerance spand and made me sleepier and didn't help with the problem at all. It got to the point where I started under aged drinking and chugging alcohol down with my anti deppression zoloft because I simply didn't care no more. This led me to unbelievably bizarre stuff that I won't go into detail about. My father got concerned so he took me off the drug. but after that I felt sorta relieved because I was emotionally regaining my senses and I felt maybe I should make the best out of my life. Not to long after that my mother was saying slandering stuff about my dad behind his back that were SO slanderish that its the type that could ruin a persons life. Naturally my brother would agree with her because he was sort of a mommas boy (insultive but true) And because I stood up to him my mom threatened to call the police so I packed up and left my mothers house to live with my dads house. Which ended up seperating me from the remainder of my friends and having me transferred into 2 completely different high schools.
My relationship with my dad is on and off. In good way he is an inspiration for me since he works hard to the point where I think its killing him even today. The bad part is that he ALWAYS mad at life that he inflicts his anger upon me, but later apologizes to me. A lot of people disliked him for it, but he is a good guy in the end and I stand by that to the end which is I defended him. but his anger is was makes scared of him sometimes it one of the reasons I can't open up to him because I am afraid he'll burst and make me feel like an insignificant NOTHING! He tells me to open up to him, but he's always angry when I try.
My mother tried to pressure me to come back, however I was so mad that I told her I wanted a REAL legit written apology for what she said. Then the worst thing in the world happened.
But first I wanna ask if anyone has watch home alone? Where that shovel man was scared to talk to his son because they both blew up in thier faces and said "I didn't care if I'd see you again" and the son said the same thing vice versa to the dad and Kevin told him to go back to his son and ask him at least talk with him and in the end they forgave each other? Well folks....I am the "what if" tale if things went from bad to WORSE. Because again the most terrible thing happened to my mother later on.
She died. Me and my brother found in her bed with her skin completely white confirming she'd already been dead for awhile. Words cannot express how heavy the world felt as my little brother tried in vein to restart her heart in tears when she was already dead in while I just cried in silence knowing she was already gone. My brother admitted to me that she had been in the hospital for awhile due to stress and the doctor let her off early being the lazy doctors they were.
After words I looked up in my moms will in that if she ever died all of her money would be given to me and my brother which really sunk in to me that she really did care for me and my brother.
But the fact is that she died due to stress which makes me question....Did I indirectly kill my mother?
I later sunk into another depression and almost permanent mental scarring of my psychological senses and I started to rely only on "money" and "food" and started fearing to like/love/care for someone even in FAMILY because it was too risky and stopped believing in all that "people need others" talk and almost became this sinnical bastard who doesn't believe in anything anymore.
But then as if it were some sort of miracle my brother started to change. After my mom's death. My brother and I started looking at each other as "people" and after that we slowly became BESTEST FRIENDS more then anyone could ever possibly imagine. So that is a high moment I suppose and because of that he sorta psychologically saved me and I started opening up again.
That was like in 2008, and I was in my early twenties. Now (2013) I am 25
But still ever since my mom died EVERYTHING and EVERYONE has changed, and I don't know if its for the better.
My family life evolved from "horrific" too treating each other like "roomates" instead of an actual family. My brother my worst enemy are best friends now?! Never would I have saw this coming. But my biggest concern is myself. I hardly smile and when I am actually happy its more tiring to smile so I HALF smile. I am sarcastic have the time and its tough to relate with others. I'm glad I got this far but people ask me that I am young so what do I have to be stressed about? WELL....As you see I have PLENTY
Hell just recently I just had to put my family cat (and best animal friend) to sleep and watch in her eyes as that little spark of life disappears and suddenly I was left with a lifeless object. So now I don't have anymore friends. Yeah ain't that pathetic? All my human friends are gone and now all my animal friends.
Am I completely justified for feeling the way I do? Or am I just mentally f***ed up? I try to be happy but "life" just leaves me with NOTHING. I guess its true the nice people really do finish last.
I don't believe in God, but if he really does exist....He hates me.
Please I want an honest answer I just spilled pretty much my ENTIRE life and I want to know myself. Again is it justified for me to feel the way I do? or am I just mentally screwed?
This is sort of my life story.
It started from when I was kid where in my earliest memories I used to feel always happy about things and life (which normal young kids do right?) Then I remember my parents always arguing which sorta changed everything. Even though I acted like I didn't care....the truth is after my little brother was born my parents were always threatening to leave each other. Now personally I didn't care about that (I really didn't) but what hurt me was that during these conflicts the 2 people I loved more then anyone else in the world would often USE me to tell me who I wanted to be with. They couldn't do it on my broth because If I can remember correctly he couldn't even talk. This went on for weeks because I didn't want to make a decision, it didn't help on the fact that in some ways they were in some sort of emotional way pushing their real life problems on to me. One day I finally caved in because none of them wanted to hear my feelings nor do I think they even cared, because in the end no matter how much they loved me I was a "pawn" to be used in a divorce scheme. So I chose my dad not because I loved him more, but I wanted it done. but in the end it made my mother cry and it made me feel guilty because I ended up hurting someone in my blood family. It was literally stressful enough for me to pull my hair out and I couldn't sleep.
But in the end they both went their ways and got divorced which was awesome but I really didn't feel the same because if they loved me why would they use me like that? and it always make angry whenever I thought about. But I eventually got to see them both from time to time.
School was never any better. Another confession. I have Aspergers....or do I? because when ever I was taken to therapist and doctors they always come up with different answers. Yes, but its almost none existent, or none at all. But REGARDLESS I was put into a special ed class
And another confession I HATE Autistics (yes I feel bad for it) Hate is a strong word but I do. Its not very much the "person" but its the very "LABEL" that I don't like. Truth is I was ahead of everyone in preschool and yet I was treated like someone.....lower. It eventually got worse when my teachers told me to relate or associate with them, when that is just it! I never wanted to! And it didn't help learning the fact that autism can be carried on through pregnancy. Can you understand what it feels like to be labeled as GARBAGE since the day you were born?! I would rather have cancer (No I am serious) The thing is I am very intelligent and a very high thinker which is why I sorta developed a bad habit of stuttering because I think WAY TOO MUCH when when I talk. And it inflicted sooo much anger upon me that I eventually did start hating the "people" but I would never show it however because I wanted to be a "nice" guy. So I just sorta kept it deep down inside because if I said the how I felt I would honestly look like a rotten person.
My relationship with my teachers in early middle school weren't happy neither. They would always scream at me like I "acted" that I was better then everyone else when honestly I was finishing at the regular pace that I can to my abilities. And it didn't stop there....At recess when I was minding my own buisness drawing Godzilla pictures (yes I liked Godzilla when I was a kid so what?) heck I'd draw a lot of things. I'd draw a monster or something scary like Dracula or any classic movie monster (yes I am a movie freak) My teacher would rip it off my desk and tell me to draw something else. I told myself "he can't tell me what to do" so I told him that there is no reason why I shouldn't do what I like as long I don't hurt anyone or under minds my class work. And because of that I would often get grabbed by the collar of my shirt and shoved roughly against the wall by my own teacher and he threatened if I didn't draw anything else I will miss recess and he gave me a threatening look like he will hurt me. I told my parents and they said he shouldn't do that and they will speak to them, but of course they BARELY did anything about it. There was this one time that I'll never forget I was studying hard for this test because I was determined to prove myself to my parents that I am too smart for my class. I just strictly wanted to prove to them that. And the teacher (the one who hated me) erased one of my answers. I didn't harm my grade to hard but he completely erased it and I swear on my life I confronted him and he told me STRAIGHT its because I told my parents on him.
By that point I felt emotionally hopeless and it eventually escalated to the point where I was somewhat emotionally trapped and honestly its how I learned to "swear" believe it or not. People used to tell me its wrong but it felt SOOO good and I needed some sort of an outlet since hardly any person treated me like a "person"
My only real friends were my pet cat and a friend that would visit every year. My brother wasn't any comfort for me for we hated each other. My parents say it was a natural thing, but NO we really hated each other to the point that we would harm each other to the point where sometimes we'd be in the hospital.
The final year of middle school was the BEST days of my life, Why? because I was transferred to a NORMAL class and not only that, but they everyone treated me like a NORMAL person and a "welcomed" individual. I even made legit friends and it got to the point where sometimes alone in my room I wanted to cry because friendship was something sacred to me, But it was short lived when the school year was over.
The bad part was when my mother moved to a different apartment complex (the one where I was born in) I wanted to sleep upstairs but my brother slept there too and we both HATED each other which resulted in me moving myself to the moldy basement with the smell of cat litter. (because again we owned a cat) and I was pretty much back to the same "hole" I was in long ago.
It got to the point where I was contemplating suicide and what did my brother and mother do? My mother smoked a cigarette and said I wasn't going to do it, although I was actually trembling and I seriously felt like going through with it. My brother through a coffee cup up at my head and my head started bleeding and told me "good just do it so we can be rid of you" it got to the point where I seriously wanted to murder my own brother. We both struggled and fought and even broke a wooden part of the wall during the struggle and when that happened he threw it at my head and I had as scar over my eye brow ever since. (and it hurt)
When I reached High school I was again happy because I would again be meeting up with my friends. But eventually my friends would eventually move away or worse die in an accident. I started growing in depression. My mother tried to help, but she introduced me to this shady doctor who gave me zoloft and I was around 16-17 and was BELOW the age range yet they still gave it to me and all it did was shorten my anger tolerance spand and made me sleepier and didn't help with the problem at all. It got to the point where I started under aged drinking and chugging alcohol down with my anti deppression zoloft because I simply didn't care no more. This led me to unbelievably bizarre stuff that I won't go into detail about. My father got concerned so he took me off the drug. but after that I felt sorta relieved because I was emotionally regaining my senses and I felt maybe I should make the best out of my life. Not to long after that my mother was saying slandering stuff about my dad behind his back that were SO slanderish that its the type that could ruin a persons life. Naturally my brother would agree with her because he was sort of a mommas boy (insultive but true) And because I stood up to him my mom threatened to call the police so I packed up and left my mothers house to live with my dads house. Which ended up seperating me from the remainder of my friends and having me transferred into 2 completely different high schools.
My relationship with my dad is on and off. In good way he is an inspiration for me since he works hard to the point where I think its killing him even today. The bad part is that he ALWAYS mad at life that he inflicts his anger upon me, but later apologizes to me. A lot of people disliked him for it, but he is a good guy in the end and I stand by that to the end which is I defended him. but his anger is was makes scared of him sometimes it one of the reasons I can't open up to him because I am afraid he'll burst and make me feel like an insignificant NOTHING! He tells me to open up to him, but he's always angry when I try.
My mother tried to pressure me to come back, however I was so mad that I told her I wanted a REAL legit written apology for what she said. Then the worst thing in the world happened.
But first I wanna ask if anyone has watch home alone? Where that shovel man was scared to talk to his son because they both blew up in thier faces and said "I didn't care if I'd see you again" and the son said the same thing vice versa to the dad and Kevin told him to go back to his son and ask him at least talk with him and in the end they forgave each other? Well folks....I am the "what if" tale if things went from bad to WORSE. Because again the most terrible thing happened to my mother later on.
She died. Me and my brother found in her bed with her skin completely white confirming she'd already been dead for awhile. Words cannot express how heavy the world felt as my little brother tried in vein to restart her heart in tears when she was already dead in while I just cried in silence knowing she was already gone. My brother admitted to me that she had been in the hospital for awhile due to stress and the doctor let her off early being the lazy doctors they were.
After words I looked up in my moms will in that if she ever died all of her money would be given to me and my brother which really sunk in to me that she really did care for me and my brother.
But the fact is that she died due to stress which makes me question....Did I indirectly kill my mother?
I later sunk into another depression and almost permanent mental scarring of my psychological senses and I started to rely only on "money" and "food" and started fearing to like/love/care for someone even in FAMILY because it was too risky and stopped believing in all that "people need others" talk and almost became this sinnical bastard who doesn't believe in anything anymore.
But then as if it were some sort of miracle my brother started to change. After my mom's death. My brother and I started looking at each other as "people" and after that we slowly became BESTEST FRIENDS more then anyone could ever possibly imagine. So that is a high moment I suppose and because of that he sorta psychologically saved me and I started opening up again.
That was like in 2008, and I was in my early twenties. Now (2013) I am 25
But still ever since my mom died EVERYTHING and EVERYONE has changed, and I don't know if its for the better.
My family life evolved from "horrific" too treating each other like "roomates" instead of an actual family. My brother my worst enemy are best friends now?! Never would I have saw this coming. But my biggest concern is myself. I hardly smile and when I am actually happy its more tiring to smile so I HALF smile. I am sarcastic have the time and its tough to relate with others. I'm glad I got this far but people ask me that I am young so what do I have to be stressed about? WELL....As you see I have PLENTY
Hell just recently I just had to put my family cat (and best animal friend) to sleep and watch in her eyes as that little spark of life disappears and suddenly I was left with a lifeless object. So now I don't have anymore friends. Yeah ain't that pathetic? All my human friends are gone and now all my animal friends.
Am I completely justified for feeling the way I do? Or am I just mentally f***ed up? I try to be happy but "life" just leaves me with NOTHING. I guess its true the nice people really do finish last.
I don't believe in God, but if he really does exist....He hates me.
Please I want an honest answer I just spilled pretty much my ENTIRE life and I want to know myself. Again is it justified for me to feel the way I do? or am I just mentally screwed?