11-29-2012, 10:48 PM
Hey guys, I really need help with something I've been struggling with my whole life nearly.
In a nut shell, I strive for attention from people, I get depressed when I am alone and bored, I often feel like I have no real friends, I have friends that I hang out with and go drinking with but I always feel like we aren't really friends. I talk crap about my "friends" to other "friends" if they bring them up in a negative way. I always compare myself to other people, ALL THE TIME. I feel like most people are better than me but I still act like I am better than most people. I pick on kids at school that strive for attention as well, I think it is because I want the attention that they are getting so I try to degrade them. I always try to get people to notice me by cracking a joke, making fun of someone, making a loud noise, arguing with teachers. Basically everything I do or say has the intent of getting someone to like me, or get them to notice me.
Some things about me, I used to be really into video games, I still really am but I just am so bored of them and I have more important things to think about like School, Work, Going to College, Getting a girlfriend. I only had one real girlfriend when I was in 7th grade and it lasted for 2 weeks and all we did was made out and stupid things kids would do. I am a virgin. I dont think that I am bad looking, I do have mild acne and I am not fat but I'm not super in shape either, I weigh 155 lbs and I am about 5'8". I do have man boobs, and love handles, I ate a lot of really sugary food and drank a lot of soda as I grew up on account of me sitting home every day playing video games in my room. I have recently started taking a Fitness Class in High School so I can lose some of that extra fat and be good looking and have more power to boost my confidence, because I think things like love handles and man boobs lower my self esteem and I often find myself trying to hide them with thick T-Shirts, baggy shirts etc. When i see myself in my bathroom mirror I always think that I look good but in pictures, Walmart mirrors, school mirrors etc. I think I am ugly. I assume its because of the lighting really shows my pale skin (not enough outside time as younger child) and acne and the lighting in the bathroom is less intense and more of a yellow bulb so it makes my skin look tanner and hides my acne But I'm not sure. I am working on the acne as well, by the way, following "The Regimen" online and I do try to get outside more now that I grew out of the gaming nerd stage. I also often get very nervous A LOT. For example if I am going to a party where I know some people there but random people may show up, I get really nervous as to who may be there, if they will like me or not, etc... A lot of people in my school snowboard and I really want to but I am afraid that if I show up at the ski resort and try to snowboard I will look stupid and fall and people will see me and laugh at me. But If I were all by myself on the mountain I could do it fine.
I just want to be surrounded by friends and family who like me for me. I really want a girlfriend who likes me for me and thinks I am good looking and I am attracted to. I want to be able to meet new people instead of getting nervous. I want to be able to try new things without the fear of looking stupid.
I know I just wrote a book basically, but I just am desperate as hell for help.
Edit: I think I just really need someone I can talk to and trust and open up to.
In a nut shell, I strive for attention from people, I get depressed when I am alone and bored, I often feel like I have no real friends, I have friends that I hang out with and go drinking with but I always feel like we aren't really friends. I talk crap about my "friends" to other "friends" if they bring them up in a negative way. I always compare myself to other people, ALL THE TIME. I feel like most people are better than me but I still act like I am better than most people. I pick on kids at school that strive for attention as well, I think it is because I want the attention that they are getting so I try to degrade them. I always try to get people to notice me by cracking a joke, making fun of someone, making a loud noise, arguing with teachers. Basically everything I do or say has the intent of getting someone to like me, or get them to notice me.
Some things about me, I used to be really into video games, I still really am but I just am so bored of them and I have more important things to think about like School, Work, Going to College, Getting a girlfriend. I only had one real girlfriend when I was in 7th grade and it lasted for 2 weeks and all we did was made out and stupid things kids would do. I am a virgin. I dont think that I am bad looking, I do have mild acne and I am not fat but I'm not super in shape either, I weigh 155 lbs and I am about 5'8". I do have man boobs, and love handles, I ate a lot of really sugary food and drank a lot of soda as I grew up on account of me sitting home every day playing video games in my room. I have recently started taking a Fitness Class in High School so I can lose some of that extra fat and be good looking and have more power to boost my confidence, because I think things like love handles and man boobs lower my self esteem and I often find myself trying to hide them with thick T-Shirts, baggy shirts etc. When i see myself in my bathroom mirror I always think that I look good but in pictures, Walmart mirrors, school mirrors etc. I think I am ugly. I assume its because of the lighting really shows my pale skin (not enough outside time as younger child) and acne and the lighting in the bathroom is less intense and more of a yellow bulb so it makes my skin look tanner and hides my acne But I'm not sure. I am working on the acne as well, by the way, following "The Regimen" online and I do try to get outside more now that I grew out of the gaming nerd stage. I also often get very nervous A LOT. For example if I am going to a party where I know some people there but random people may show up, I get really nervous as to who may be there, if they will like me or not, etc... A lot of people in my school snowboard and I really want to but I am afraid that if I show up at the ski resort and try to snowboard I will look stupid and fall and people will see me and laugh at me. But If I were all by myself on the mountain I could do it fine.
I just want to be surrounded by friends and family who like me for me. I really want a girlfriend who likes me for me and thinks I am good looking and I am attracted to. I want to be able to meet new people instead of getting nervous. I want to be able to try new things without the fear of looking stupid.
I know I just wrote a book basically, but I just am desperate as hell for help.
Edit: I think I just really need someone I can talk to and trust and open up to.