10-19-2012, 12:59 AM
Well just when i thought life couldn't get any worse. it did. i don't know what to do anymore so i guess im here.
i'm currently 17 and not in school
let me start off by talking about some of the stuff that's happened to me in my life
i've been abused both mentally and physically my entire life. let me just start off by saving my mom, dad and grandma all do not like eachother. my grandma brainwashed me by giving me everything i wanted as far as "wants" go, she tried to make it seem like she loved me but she doesn't. my mom abused me both mentally and physically pulled me by my hair thrown stuff at me. screamed and screamed and screamed to the point where i'd break down in tears. i used to have a best friend named allan i used to hang out with everyday as a kid. i remember whenever i really wanted too go and play with him my mom would be there to stop me. just because she could even if i deserved to be able to play with him. about 2-3 years later he hung himself due to his mom abusing him.
at the age of 7 i was put in mental homes, my mom father and grandma all fought for me in custody battles and such and i moved around alot.. i felt confused and didn't know what to do. i still to this day remember being tooken away from my grandma's being pulled ina car and having to go live with my dad. my dad is a druggie an alcoholic and hes never been there for me. there in which a year later my mom got me, thats when the real physical and mental abuse started. my mom had a 2nd child (my little brother) and she would favorite him which as any of you would know made me feel very bad about myself and made me very angry and jealous. growing up like that abused physically screamed at until about grade 7, there in which i was taken by child protective services. i was put in a foster home. there in which my foster parents treated me very badly. favored my foster brothers and i was also bullied by my foster brothers who were all 3-4 years older then me at the time. it made me feel hopeless, i didn't have any guidance at all. but before i continue i'd just like to say i met an mmorpg named "runescape" in the 5th grade and ever since i was hooked on it. when my mom abused me i ran to my grandmas and it got to the point where i'd run just because i wanted to be on the computer. i became addicted. it was like my escape from reality a place where i could be alone and vent all of the built up anger and torment inside. and well my mom wasn't very fond of it. she didn't like me playing it. she was against it. this made me very angry as well.
after foster care i got back into my moms and she locked me up 3 times. for domestic violence. 2 times i went to juvy and the final i went into foster care. i was bullied all throughout juvy and when it came to foster care i couldn't stick up for myself or i'd be sent out of state. and no i didn't commit a domestic violence it was all her lies saying i pushed her just because she didn't want me anymore.
anyways when i got into foster care. my foster brothers were about the same age as me. and after a couple months of being there the torment started. i was beat down both physically thrown rocks at. hit so hard it's knocked me to the ground and made my jaw numb but i knew if i "snitched" i'd get my ass whooped harder and it wouldn't help me. as we all went to the same school it was an embarrasement. and if i did anything to stick up for myself i'd get sent away to some facility till im 18. when i finally got out i went with my grandma there in which in went good for about 8 months until i finally started to realise she only wanted me so she could leach social security off of me. that really hurt as she was one of the only people i ever had, and all the time with my grandma i was still hooked on runescape. now in 2011-2012. i met a girl [yes on runescape]... i was a bit skeptical of this not being a big fan of "e-dating" and not knowing the truth of who this person really was. but she told me about her life and how horrible it was and i felt very bad. she had been rapped kidnapped bullied and more. i just wanted to be there for her. i actually liked her personality too. at that point we started dating for about 8 months i fell in love with her and my concept of love is i would have done everything for her to be with her and to make her happy. and i spent countless nights helping her on that game skipping school never going i always had a dream to get famous makingyoutube videos of the game but i dropped it all just so i could help her. but i felt as tho i wasn't good enough for her and things started to get worse. everytime i'd try to ask her for support we'd argue and at the end she'd end up making me feel bad for her and make it feel like it's all my fault and she was the perfect one and it repeated and repeated. so much that it almost mentally fkd me up and we'd seperate and it's shatter me we ofcourse get back together but it just wasnt right for me and she didn't see all the mental abuse it was causing. she started to ignore me for other games and do other things.. i felt as tho she didn't love me like she said she had. today on aim she told me she never wants to talk to me again and i just wanna take the rope and end it going through all this mental pain i don't know what to do anymore. feel's like life isn't worth living and i'm just looking for some help on this.
i feel so fudged up being abused my whole entire life yet im suprised im still sane i just don't know what to do. i've been trying to get my life back on track but it's not seeming to work and i just dont like living.
i'm afraid im never going to find true love and do something with my life.
i'm currently 17 and not in school
let me start off by talking about some of the stuff that's happened to me in my life
i've been abused both mentally and physically my entire life. let me just start off by saving my mom, dad and grandma all do not like eachother. my grandma brainwashed me by giving me everything i wanted as far as "wants" go, she tried to make it seem like she loved me but she doesn't. my mom abused me both mentally and physically pulled me by my hair thrown stuff at me. screamed and screamed and screamed to the point where i'd break down in tears. i used to have a best friend named allan i used to hang out with everyday as a kid. i remember whenever i really wanted too go and play with him my mom would be there to stop me. just because she could even if i deserved to be able to play with him. about 2-3 years later he hung himself due to his mom abusing him.
at the age of 7 i was put in mental homes, my mom father and grandma all fought for me in custody battles and such and i moved around alot.. i felt confused and didn't know what to do. i still to this day remember being tooken away from my grandma's being pulled ina car and having to go live with my dad. my dad is a druggie an alcoholic and hes never been there for me. there in which a year later my mom got me, thats when the real physical and mental abuse started. my mom had a 2nd child (my little brother) and she would favorite him which as any of you would know made me feel very bad about myself and made me very angry and jealous. growing up like that abused physically screamed at until about grade 7, there in which i was taken by child protective services. i was put in a foster home. there in which my foster parents treated me very badly. favored my foster brothers and i was also bullied by my foster brothers who were all 3-4 years older then me at the time. it made me feel hopeless, i didn't have any guidance at all. but before i continue i'd just like to say i met an mmorpg named "runescape" in the 5th grade and ever since i was hooked on it. when my mom abused me i ran to my grandmas and it got to the point where i'd run just because i wanted to be on the computer. i became addicted. it was like my escape from reality a place where i could be alone and vent all of the built up anger and torment inside. and well my mom wasn't very fond of it. she didn't like me playing it. she was against it. this made me very angry as well.
after foster care i got back into my moms and she locked me up 3 times. for domestic violence. 2 times i went to juvy and the final i went into foster care. i was bullied all throughout juvy and when it came to foster care i couldn't stick up for myself or i'd be sent out of state. and no i didn't commit a domestic violence it was all her lies saying i pushed her just because she didn't want me anymore.
anyways when i got into foster care. my foster brothers were about the same age as me. and after a couple months of being there the torment started. i was beat down both physically thrown rocks at. hit so hard it's knocked me to the ground and made my jaw numb but i knew if i "snitched" i'd get my ass whooped harder and it wouldn't help me. as we all went to the same school it was an embarrasement. and if i did anything to stick up for myself i'd get sent away to some facility till im 18. when i finally got out i went with my grandma there in which in went good for about 8 months until i finally started to realise she only wanted me so she could leach social security off of me. that really hurt as she was one of the only people i ever had, and all the time with my grandma i was still hooked on runescape. now in 2011-2012. i met a girl [yes on runescape]... i was a bit skeptical of this not being a big fan of "e-dating" and not knowing the truth of who this person really was. but she told me about her life and how horrible it was and i felt very bad. she had been rapped kidnapped bullied and more. i just wanted to be there for her. i actually liked her personality too. at that point we started dating for about 8 months i fell in love with her and my concept of love is i would have done everything for her to be with her and to make her happy. and i spent countless nights helping her on that game skipping school never going i always had a dream to get famous makingyoutube videos of the game but i dropped it all just so i could help her. but i felt as tho i wasn't good enough for her and things started to get worse. everytime i'd try to ask her for support we'd argue and at the end she'd end up making me feel bad for her and make it feel like it's all my fault and she was the perfect one and it repeated and repeated. so much that it almost mentally fkd me up and we'd seperate and it's shatter me we ofcourse get back together but it just wasnt right for me and she didn't see all the mental abuse it was causing. she started to ignore me for other games and do other things.. i felt as tho she didn't love me like she said she had. today on aim she told me she never wants to talk to me again and i just wanna take the rope and end it going through all this mental pain i don't know what to do anymore. feel's like life isn't worth living and i'm just looking for some help on this.
i feel so fudged up being abused my whole entire life yet im suprised im still sane i just don't know what to do. i've been trying to get my life back on track but it's not seeming to work and i just dont like living.
i'm afraid im never going to find true love and do something with my life.
