06-05-2012, 11:19 AM
I am a 15 year old female (please do not judge) and I have recently left school in year 11. I am often considered very mature and intelligent for my age and I have a good instinct, I always impress adults with my work ethic and maturity.
I have never been particularly popular with people my age, but when I turned 14, I thought I had found some friends for life. Everything was going okay until the beginning of year 11, when I got a crush on a boy I had known for a few years.
Between the ages 12-14, I had been in a number of 'online' relationships which led to emotional abuse, and my parents have (never intentionally) made me feel second best and unloved. I had been in therapy from age 13 but have recently stopped receiving it. I have had identity and personality disorders since I about the age of 12, so I find it hard to grasp regular situations. I spent a few years wishing and pretending to be someone else, creating 'characters'. This means I sometimes find it hard to grasp a sense of myself. I feel alone and a huge sense of longing to be someone else.
I had a relationship with said friend, in which I probably wasn't very nice to him. I was rude, unaffectionate, and usually cold. Eventually I got sick of him and we broke up. I suppose I enjoyed the power I had over him. During this time, I felt a lot of rage and angst and depression building up inside me over my friends, who I saw to be very manipulative and rude and egotistical. They put me down, made me cry, and made me feel like a villain. Eventually I snapped, I couldn't stand being around them, after one of my friends insulted me, telling me I was bad at the only thing I genuinely have faith in - my writing, my only skill and talent. I walked away from our lunch table and literally over night all of my friends hated me.
I tried to apologize after I realised (falsely) that I had feelings for the ex-boyfriend. I was desperate to not be in the alone position I have been in very many times before. I was expelled from the group, but many "forgave" me. I didn't really understand what I had done wrong; I walked away from an upsetting situation which I considered mature. I was accused of stealing, lying, manipulating and * * * * * ing.
We eventually built up a relationship again though he kept it secret. I thought that was fair enough; if anything went wrong, we could fix it in private. Instead, it continued like this. He wouldn't let me talk to him in school and wouldn't let people know he was coming to my house. When he came over, all he did was pester me for sexual things (not actual sex) and I gave in because I didn't want to lose him. I knew that he probably had a crush on one of my ex-friends who really, really, really, really hated me. But whenever I questioned him, he'd almost get violent. I thought it was revenge for me hurting him. So I just let him get on with it, stupidly. I'm not ready for anything like that. I realise now he never respected me, I was a fool to think I could build up something like we had before and everything would go back to normal, only better.
I didn't enjoy any of the sex stuff but I let it carry on, as the pressure was too much. I'm usually a very strong person and I felt the old me come out, back when I was getting messed around by someone I thought I loved when I was younger, obviously I didn't. I'm usually much more mature and intelligent to know none of these feelings really mean anything, particularly at my age. For a long time, I was not fussed about relationships at all because I knew they're irrelevant at my age.
Anyway, I was sick of him being ASHAMED of even coming to my house and just using me for sex when he did come over. He wouldn't even tell his twin (who hates me too). I told him I don't want a relationship like that. That day, I found out he really liked the 'ex-friend' who was being particularly horrible to me, who I'd always considered to be more mature than most people and understanding. I was devastated, as not even 2 days before he was pestering me for sex and sexual things, and when I first broke up with him, he claimed to love me and said it'd take him a long time to get over it. Rubbish, he already really liked someone. He's now dating her, this was two days ago. He actively lied and used me. I feel like a slut, I feel good for nothing and useless just like I did before. I am so very hurt, and none of my 'friends' believe a word I'm saying. He's the one who's hurt me (and rightfully her, as technically she's been betrayed too) but I'm the one being hated on. He's denying everything, even coming over to my house. I realise of course that he kept it secret because he liked her, and she liked him. She's technically been betrayed but she won't even listen to me and as blocked me on every social networking website.
My own 'best friend' said she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. She's dating his twin, and I know she wants to believe it's not true. I'm devastated someone I thought knew me could abandon me like that. The only person who believes me is my ex-best friend who I foolishly grew apart from a couple of years ago. I want to rebuild our friendship but I fear it is too late. A similar thing happened to her last year.
I'm not returning to the same school, which I know will be great. I'm moving onto college where I hope I can make new friends. The twins (one of which is the boyfriend obviously) and his twin's girlfriend (my ex-best friend) and a couple of the other bitchy girls are attending the same college as me. I'm scared they're going to poison everyone against me and not allow me to make new friends.
How can I move on from this? I hate not being believed. I never lie. I admit I can be a cold hearted 'bitch ', but I never lie and I never try and hurt people. It feels like they WANT me to be a manipulative liar to justify their actions but I cannot live like this. I have been completely isolated when I most need friends. I believe I do not deserve this. Please help.
I have never been particularly popular with people my age, but when I turned 14, I thought I had found some friends for life. Everything was going okay until the beginning of year 11, when I got a crush on a boy I had known for a few years.
Between the ages 12-14, I had been in a number of 'online' relationships which led to emotional abuse, and my parents have (never intentionally) made me feel second best and unloved. I had been in therapy from age 13 but have recently stopped receiving it. I have had identity and personality disorders since I about the age of 12, so I find it hard to grasp regular situations. I spent a few years wishing and pretending to be someone else, creating 'characters'. This means I sometimes find it hard to grasp a sense of myself. I feel alone and a huge sense of longing to be someone else.
I had a relationship with said friend, in which I probably wasn't very nice to him. I was rude, unaffectionate, and usually cold. Eventually I got sick of him and we broke up. I suppose I enjoyed the power I had over him. During this time, I felt a lot of rage and angst and depression building up inside me over my friends, who I saw to be very manipulative and rude and egotistical. They put me down, made me cry, and made me feel like a villain. Eventually I snapped, I couldn't stand being around them, after one of my friends insulted me, telling me I was bad at the only thing I genuinely have faith in - my writing, my only skill and talent. I walked away from our lunch table and literally over night all of my friends hated me.
I tried to apologize after I realised (falsely) that I had feelings for the ex-boyfriend. I was desperate to not be in the alone position I have been in very many times before. I was expelled from the group, but many "forgave" me. I didn't really understand what I had done wrong; I walked away from an upsetting situation which I considered mature. I was accused of stealing, lying, manipulating and * * * * * ing.
We eventually built up a relationship again though he kept it secret. I thought that was fair enough; if anything went wrong, we could fix it in private. Instead, it continued like this. He wouldn't let me talk to him in school and wouldn't let people know he was coming to my house. When he came over, all he did was pester me for sexual things (not actual sex) and I gave in because I didn't want to lose him. I knew that he probably had a crush on one of my ex-friends who really, really, really, really hated me. But whenever I questioned him, he'd almost get violent. I thought it was revenge for me hurting him. So I just let him get on with it, stupidly. I'm not ready for anything like that. I realise now he never respected me, I was a fool to think I could build up something like we had before and everything would go back to normal, only better.
I didn't enjoy any of the sex stuff but I let it carry on, as the pressure was too much. I'm usually a very strong person and I felt the old me come out, back when I was getting messed around by someone I thought I loved when I was younger, obviously I didn't. I'm usually much more mature and intelligent to know none of these feelings really mean anything, particularly at my age. For a long time, I was not fussed about relationships at all because I knew they're irrelevant at my age.
Anyway, I was sick of him being ASHAMED of even coming to my house and just using me for sex when he did come over. He wouldn't even tell his twin (who hates me too). I told him I don't want a relationship like that. That day, I found out he really liked the 'ex-friend' who was being particularly horrible to me, who I'd always considered to be more mature than most people and understanding. I was devastated, as not even 2 days before he was pestering me for sex and sexual things, and when I first broke up with him, he claimed to love me and said it'd take him a long time to get over it. Rubbish, he already really liked someone. He's now dating her, this was two days ago. He actively lied and used me. I feel like a slut, I feel good for nothing and useless just like I did before. I am so very hurt, and none of my 'friends' believe a word I'm saying. He's the one who's hurt me (and rightfully her, as technically she's been betrayed too) but I'm the one being hated on. He's denying everything, even coming over to my house. I realise of course that he kept it secret because he liked her, and she liked him. She's technically been betrayed but she won't even listen to me and as blocked me on every social networking website.
My own 'best friend' said she hates me and never wants to talk to me again. She's dating his twin, and I know she wants to believe it's not true. I'm devastated someone I thought knew me could abandon me like that. The only person who believes me is my ex-best friend who I foolishly grew apart from a couple of years ago. I want to rebuild our friendship but I fear it is too late. A similar thing happened to her last year.
I'm not returning to the same school, which I know will be great. I'm moving onto college where I hope I can make new friends. The twins (one of which is the boyfriend obviously) and his twin's girlfriend (my ex-best friend) and a couple of the other bitchy girls are attending the same college as me. I'm scared they're going to poison everyone against me and not allow me to make new friends.
How can I move on from this? I hate not being believed. I never lie. I admit I can be a cold hearted 'bitch ', but I never lie and I never try and hurt people. It feels like they WANT me to be a manipulative liar to justify their actions but I cannot live like this. I have been completely isolated when I most need friends. I believe I do not deserve this. Please help.