02-01-2012, 04:44 PM
This isn't easy to explain, so I will try to as best as I can. Early 2011 I started to always feel nothing, or sadness. I would put on a fake face for everyone else, my girlfriend noticed she was always asking me whats wrong or telling me I had changed and I would always say nothing and deny changing but I have. I think I was going through some deep depression. I don't even know why. I would come home tired, and empty. I would sleep until mom came home and put on a fake me for her. I kept having thoughts in my head thinking about how everyone life would be without me, I would think if they would be better with out me. But then I started hanging out with some old friends staying at there house weeks at a time, I felt like I was belonging. That is why when they asked I helped them do some illegal stuff. Burglary to be exact, it turns out they turned me in for helping them. I felt betrayed, my only true friends doing that. I felt ashamed for doing something I knew was wrong, it was hard to bear the burden of knowing that you're a fudge up and your whole family knew it. So I started to feel empty again, and for some reason I though of how I would hurt everyone if I died and how that would make them feel bad. So one day I took a cord tied it to the door top and started to hand myself. I started to get dizzy, and pass out but it felt good. I ending up stopping, why I don't know, I pulled my self out of it somehow and started to fit in again. But my girlfriend who I have been dating almost 3 years left me. I got a new girlfriend right after to try to somehow "get over her" but she has been talking to me saying she left me so I would be happy, because I had changed, and how I was always sad. She just started dating someone else only a week after me, someone I knew she liked for a long time, a friend. She told me they had their first kiss and that she wanted to do it again, and was asking me for advice. I feel myself slipping back into what I was in before, And I don't know how to stop myself. I can't tell anyone besides you all, I don't know why but I can't.