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Hello,

I just found this site a few moments ago and since I can't seem to force my self to talk to family or friends about my issue I've turned to you folks. I'll try to keep this as short as I possibly can but there is a lot I need to get off my chest, so I apologize in advance for the wall of text you are about to receive.

The point where I'm going to start my 'story' I have been working as a carpenter for about 2-3 years and I'm about 22-23. I have had my good and bad days where I might miss a day even though I didn't really need to but overall I was good at showing up to work on time and working hard. I had just recently moved to a new city with my brother as my roommate and everything started to go to crap.

I got a job quickly and worked for the company for about 8 months where I began to feel like my skills were under utilized and that I was being treated unfairly, which, thinking back on it now is untrue. One day I felt like I deserved a break so I took a sick day (I wasn't sick). One day turned into 2 weeks. I guess I justified this because before that I had never taken any vacation time so I said I had a real bad flu. Going back to work after that was tough, I was super anxious/nervous/scared because I wasn't sick at all and had to act as if I actually was. I had a whole big story set up in my mind in case anyone at work asked about it, which was super stressful.

I only lasted a few weeks more and I called in sick again. This time one day tuned into about 4 weeks. By this point I was really sacred because I was making the most atrocious lies and I didn't know why I was doing this. I had no rime and no reason to do so and all the reason in the world to go back to work, but I just couldn't bring my self to do so. I don't know how my boss put up with this for as long as he did but I eventually quit because I couldn't go back, I was too ashamed.

I started to get extremely depressed but I was in complete denial and figured it was just a phase. After all I was a carpenter, and carpenters are men, and men don't get depressed or talk about their feelings to anyone.

My brother and I moved to a new place with one of my good friends and I found another job. It was going well at first but sure enough about 6 months in I called in sick. This time I didn't feel like I 'deserved' it, I just felt 'meh' and sure enough one day turned into weeks. I was fired from that job.

I went through two more jobs which lasted mere days. At this point I knew that something was wrong with me, I was depress, anxious, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get motivated, I couldn't even think because my mind was racing a mile a minute trying to figure out what the fudge was wrong with me. Sure enough I had a break down and I had to move back home which was extremely embarrassing because men don't have breakdowns.

I was put on anti-depressants and that along with being closer to my friend base as well as being with my parents made me feel better. After a few months I tried to go back to work, it was a pretty low pressure project helping a lady do a small renovation on her house. I wish I could tell you everything was fine after that but it wasn't, a few months into the reno I started missing days, days turned to weeks and eventually I was too ashamed and embarrassed to even complete the project and once again burnt another bridge.

During that project I met a fantastic girl, we started dating and are still together to today. I figured that maybe she would be the key, that she would be the motivation I needed to break out of whatever kind of slump I had gotten myself into. I couldn't find any work in my home town once again (it's a really small town, not much work) so we moved to the biggest city in the province. We decided to move in with 2 of her friends who are great guys. I moved first because she was still in school, and she followed shortly after. I have been in this city for nearly a year now and despite the recession there are jobs galore so getting a job here in construction has been fairly easy.

If there was any time during this whole blabbering that I could tell you that I turned my life around, this is the time I wish I could, but I can't. I have gone through more jobs in this city than I can count on one hand, I have been making just barely enough money to pay for rent and sometimes not even. My gf has paid for my rent at least once and my mom covers my bills almost always.

The present:

I am now 26 and currently I am working on a project for a guy that needed some help off of craigslist. I took the job because I was looking for something other than construction but I couldn't find anything at the time and needed the cash for rent. The project is about a week away from completion and I have been off for almost 5 weeks now. Some days I have good days where I feel like I'm making a good turn around, but then I wake up the next morning petrified.

I have totally turned into the one thing that I hate most and that is a freeloading slacker. I hate myself more than I ever have, my entire life is one big lie so that no one catches on that my job hopping is MY fault, I'm stressed, depressed, anxious and scared, I feel like a complete failure, I'm in debt up to my ears, I've burnt every bridge that I've made with some pretty good people in the last 4 years. I feel like everyday that passes I get more and more empty, like I'm losing a piece of my soul day by day.

My gf is a wonderful person and she works hard, she even picked up another job aside from her full time job because things are tight, as you can imagine. I love her very much and don't think for a second that every day that passes where I do something stupid like this doesn't kill me inside. I've tried to figure this out all on my own up until this point and I realize it is way too much for me to handle. I'm at the end of my rope but I'm too afraid to talk to anyone I know in real life about it for fear of humiliation and that my gf might find out and leave me. Which is why I'm turning to you guys.

I wish I could tell you this is just some story I made up for attention, but this is my nightmare and the only good thing in my life right now is my gf/friends/family. But because I'm too chicken crap to tell them what I've been going through I'm suffering through this alone. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that if I tell them they wont love me anymore, which I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I made so many great people hate me. I need advice, tips, anything, Please help!!!!

Tell them, they'll still love you. You should be honest with everyone you know before it gets any worse and you dig yourself way too deep. You have a problem and should at least talk it through with them, if not a doctor. I don't know where you got such a strong stereotype about men not talking about their feelings and whatnot, but that stuff isn't true. Talk about your feelings to people close to you, it's doing more harm when you stop yourself from doing so.

(03-25-2011, 01:14 PM)Nemmyy Wrote: [ -> ]Tell them, they'll still love you. You should be honest with everyone you know before it gets any worse and you dig yourself way too deep. You have a problem and should at least talk it through with them, if not a doctor. I don't know where you got such a strong stereotype about men not talking about their feelings and whatnot, but that stuff isn't true. Talk about your feelings to people close to you, it's doing more harm when you stop yourself from doing so.

Thank you for your response.

I don't actually believe in the stereotype myself, at least not anymore. I used to think I was different because I've always been fairly sensitive and emotional. I never broke out crying for no reason or anything like that, but some things get to me and choke me up. And this was only compounded because I have never EVER seen ANY of my friends or even my dad show a chink in their 'armor'. So I guess I figured that if they don't show their feelings then neither should I. And none of them are macho tough guys or think that they are, which made it even more confusing for me.

And do you think I should tell everyone? Or just family, close friends, and of course my gf?

(03-25-2011, 01:30 PM)deek Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you for your response.

I don't actually believe in the stereotype myself, at least not anymore. I used to think I was different because I've always been fairly sensitive and emotional. I never broke out crying for no reason or anything like that, but some things get to me and choke me up. And this was only compounded because I have never EVER seen ANY of my friends or even my dad show a chink in their 'armor'. So I guess I figured that if they don't show their feelings then neither should I. And none of them are macho tough guys or think that they are, which made it even more confusing for me.

And do you think I should tell everyone? Or just family, close friends, and of course my gf?

It sounds like telling your gf would be most important, but if you want to tell your other friends/family then go ahead. But definitely tell your gf first.

I think you should tell everyone, so they can get you help. That's your first step. Now, most people would take this as stupid advice, but hear me out. I do not think you're slacker. I do not think you're doing this merely because you're lazy. It's easy to see that your lack of motivation is caused by anxiety and sever depression. But trust me, smoking marijuana will honestly help you. People will say that it makes you unmotivated, that of which I will not deny, but it is not completely true. Marijuana will help you with both anxiety and depression. I would ween myself off the anti-depressants and move to a more natural medicine.

(03-25-2011, 01:40 PM)Shades Wrote: [ -> ]I think you should tell everyone, so they can get you help. That's your first step. Now, most people would take this as stupid advice, but hear me out. I do not think you're slacker. I do not think you're doing this merely because you're lazy. It's easy to see that your lack of motivation is caused by anxiety and sever depression. But trust me, smoking marijuana will honestly help you. People will say that it makes you unmotivated, that of which I will not deny, but it is not completely true. Marijuana will help you with both anxiety and depression. I would ween myself off the anti-depressants and move to a more natural medicine.

Don't go and publicly tell people to smoke marijuana to solve their problems. And telling everyone about his problems isn't necessary. The man probably wants some privacy.

(03-25-2011, 01:43 PM)Nemmyy Wrote: [ -> ] Don't go and publicly tell people to smoke marijuana to solve their problems. And telling everyone about his problems isn't necessary. The man probably wants some privacy.

By everyone, I meant his family and girlfriend, not everyone. I'm saying that the use of medicinal marijuana is applicable in his situation. I'm not saying go out and just buy marijuana from random drug dealers, but apply for a permit.

(03-25-2011, 01:44 PM)Shades Wrote: [ -> ]By everyone, I meant his family and girlfriend, not everyone. I'm saying that the use of medicinal marijuana is applicable in his situation. I'm not saying go out and just buy marijuana from random drug dealers, but apply for a permit.

Well, when you clear things up your suggestions sound much better, lol.

Thanks you guys, I really appreciate your replies and suggestions. Ya I'm not interested in like putting it as my facebook status or anything, but I definitely feel like I should tell my gf and my parents. They're the ones who I've been hurting the most (unbeknown to them). I going to be scared shitless when I do but I don't think I can take this anchor that feels like it is literally hanging from my heart anymore.

(03-25-2011, 02:00 PM)deek Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks you guys, I really appreciate your replies and suggestions. Ya I'm not interested in like putting it as my facebook status or anything, but I definitely feel like I should tell my gf and my parents. They're the ones who I've been hurting the most (unbeknown to them). I going to be scared shitless when I do but I don't think I can take this anchor that feels like it is literally hanging from my heart anymore.

Glad you decided to come out with the truth. Hope it goes well, good luck