02-17-2011, 09:18 AM
Not the kind from drugs, unless you consider love a drug. I fell in love with my now ex-girlfriend two years ago. However towards the beginning of this school year (september) our relationship began to get a little rocky. I'm in college, and she's a high school senior so we don't get to see each other much. It was like a long distance relationship, without the distance. Anyway, I'll just get to the point. I started noticing that it felt like we were growing further apart. The time we would spend together, it just had a different feel. There's no way I can accurately explain it, but I could tell something was wrong.
So after about a two weeks of this bad feeling, she called me.. she was crying and said we need to talk about something serious. I knew it was going to be bad, real bad, I told her I'd be right over. Before I could hang up she said wait, I need to tell you now because as soon as I see you everything will feel okay and I won't be able to tell you. So I let her explain. I'll try to condense this part as best I can, because there is a long backstory to it that hurts me more than anything.
She told me she thought she was beginning to develop feelings for this guy at school. This guy wrote her a love letter right before we started going out, so it was kind of like she chose me over him back then. She never really knew him or saw him, he was in a class with her but they never interacted. However, this year he was in 4/8 of her classes. I'd estimate that's roughly 3 hours together a day, compared to the few hours we spend together a week.
So basically while in school this guy is flirting with her, and she likes the attention. So whenever she's in school she feels horrible and conflicted because she thinks she's starting to like this guy. Then she goes home and tries to shrug it off and tell herself she loves me. When we're together she says it's like he doesn't even exist. So I go to meet her and she just cries on me for about an hour. We talk about it, and she said something like:
We ended up deciding that we should take a -break- to see what would happen. The break didn't go well, I kept calling her and telling her we need to talk. Then meeting up with her and having mental breakdowns about the whole thing. So after about a week he asked her out, and she was like 'no, I'm not going to throw away the best relationship of my life for someone I don't even know' and we were okay for a while. There were no problems and stuff was starting to feel good again, but that only lasted about a month.
Once again, she comes to me and says that she still has feelings for this guy. I wasn't really surprised, because I didn't expect them to just go away. I handled it much better this time, and told her that maybe we should try taking another break. So we went on a -break- which really didn't change anything from my standpoint. We hung out occasionally, and when we did we acted as if nothing was wrong. I'd ask her every now and then if she was ready to end the break, and she'd say she would love to do that but she doesn't feel right to end it when she still has feelings for this guy. She wants to make sure that she doesn't relapse (my word not hers) again.
So this went on until December, and to be quite honest I was starting to get fed up. I still have a lot of friends at that high school, and they kept telling me crap about her and this guy. I told them to just stop telling me, but they wouldn't listen >_> So I basically was like: Listen, we aren't getting anywhere by doing this. If you want to go out with this guy, then you can do that. I love you and I trust that you love me back. You said it's the only way you can stop this curiosity, so I guess that's the only option I have.
She said she wasn't sure if she was ready to do that, but in January I kind of pushed her into dating him. They've been dating a little over a month now, and she's cheated on him with me every weekend since they started going out. He's really busy and only has time to see her in school for the most part. I didn't really have a problem with the cheating, because it felt normal to be with her. However, I decided that cheating wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship with her, not some physical fling. I've actually been trying to say goodbye to her for 2 weeks now, but every time I say goodbye I don't want to talk anymore. You have a boyfriend now and what we're doing is wrong. She says like 'no please stay in my life. i love you and can't live without you. i dont care what the status of our relationship is i still want you in my life.' or she'll tell me how much she loves me (she used to say I love you before she went to sleep almost every night, even after we broke up, and after she started going out with this guy).
She keeps telling me this relationship with this guy won't last long, because the only reason she's going out with him is because she enjoys spending time with him in school. I basically said, well if you see no future in that and you broke up with me to date him.. That makes it hard for me to see a future in us. It really doesn't seem like you love me. She then tried to explain how she loves me, but it was the shittiest explanation ever.. imo.
I do believe she loves me, but not so much in a romantic sense. Anyway, the point of this thread is I've been really depressed since she started dating this guy.. but I've been trying to hide most of it from her. I got really fed up the other day and basically told her how I've really been feeling. She got really upset, concerned, worried, etc.
So I said please just let me go, I can't stand seeing you with someone else. If you want to be together in the future (she always says we will be together again) then maybe when you're single again we can try that. But all I want with you is a relationship, I can't be friends. I wish I could, but it just isn't something I can deal with emotionally, and for that I'm sorry.
^-- I've basically said this, or variations of this every few days for the past 2-3 weeks. But now that I've told her how depressed and emotionally fudged up I've been about this whole thing, she was like:
That was 2 days ago.. I can't stop thinking about her and I want to text her all the time. I know this is probably for the best, but I'm freakin addicted to her. I'm going through withdrawl, although some would just call it heartbreak. I'm sorry for writing a book, but for those who read this please give some sort of opinion. I really miss her a lot, and don't know what to do. My buddies keep telling me I should just go get drunk and hook up with random girls, but when I think about that I feel like I'm cheating on her. Emotionally, not like cheating on my girlfriend, just cheating on my feelings. I love her without a doubt, and I don't think I'll ever be over her. First love really sucks.
So after about a two weeks of this bad feeling, she called me.. she was crying and said we need to talk about something serious. I knew it was going to be bad, real bad, I told her I'd be right over. Before I could hang up she said wait, I need to tell you now because as soon as I see you everything will feel okay and I won't be able to tell you. So I let her explain. I'll try to condense this part as best I can, because there is a long backstory to it that hurts me more than anything.
She told me she thought she was beginning to develop feelings for this guy at school. This guy wrote her a love letter right before we started going out, so it was kind of like she chose me over him back then. She never really knew him or saw him, he was in a class with her but they never interacted. However, this year he was in 4/8 of her classes. I'd estimate that's roughly 3 hours together a day, compared to the few hours we spend together a week.
So basically while in school this guy is flirting with her, and she likes the attention. So whenever she's in school she feels horrible and conflicted because she thinks she's starting to like this guy. Then she goes home and tries to shrug it off and tell herself she loves me. When we're together she says it's like he doesn't even exist. So I go to meet her and she just cries on me for about an hour. We talk about it, and she said something like:
Quote:I love you, and I know I love you! But when I'm at school I just can't stop feeling interested in him, I try to fight it but I can't. When I think about the first time having sex, it's with you. When I think about prom, it's with you. When I think about getting married, it's with you.
We ended up deciding that we should take a -break- to see what would happen. The break didn't go well, I kept calling her and telling her we need to talk. Then meeting up with her and having mental breakdowns about the whole thing. So after about a week he asked her out, and she was like 'no, I'm not going to throw away the best relationship of my life for someone I don't even know' and we were okay for a while. There were no problems and stuff was starting to feel good again, but that only lasted about a month.
Once again, she comes to me and says that she still has feelings for this guy. I wasn't really surprised, because I didn't expect them to just go away. I handled it much better this time, and told her that maybe we should try taking another break. So we went on a -break- which really didn't change anything from my standpoint. We hung out occasionally, and when we did we acted as if nothing was wrong. I'd ask her every now and then if she was ready to end the break, and she'd say she would love to do that but she doesn't feel right to end it when she still has feelings for this guy. She wants to make sure that she doesn't relapse (my word not hers) again.
So this went on until December, and to be quite honest I was starting to get fed up. I still have a lot of friends at that high school, and they kept telling me crap about her and this guy. I told them to just stop telling me, but they wouldn't listen >_> So I basically was like: Listen, we aren't getting anywhere by doing this. If you want to go out with this guy, then you can do that. I love you and I trust that you love me back. You said it's the only way you can stop this curiosity, so I guess that's the only option I have.
She said she wasn't sure if she was ready to do that, but in January I kind of pushed her into dating him. They've been dating a little over a month now, and she's cheated on him with me every weekend since they started going out. He's really busy and only has time to see her in school for the most part. I didn't really have a problem with the cheating, because it felt normal to be with her. However, I decided that cheating wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a relationship with her, not some physical fling. I've actually been trying to say goodbye to her for 2 weeks now, but every time I say goodbye I don't want to talk anymore. You have a boyfriend now and what we're doing is wrong. She says like 'no please stay in my life. i love you and can't live without you. i dont care what the status of our relationship is i still want you in my life.' or she'll tell me how much she loves me (she used to say I love you before she went to sleep almost every night, even after we broke up, and after she started going out with this guy).
She keeps telling me this relationship with this guy won't last long, because the only reason she's going out with him is because she enjoys spending time with him in school. I basically said, well if you see no future in that and you broke up with me to date him.. That makes it hard for me to see a future in us. It really doesn't seem like you love me. She then tried to explain how she loves me, but it was the shittiest explanation ever.. imo.
Quote:I love you because you know me better than anyone, and even better than I know myself. You complete me. When I'm with you, all the barriers are down and I don't even think about what I'm doing or saying, it just comes naturally. The only way I can put this is to compare this situation to my favorite songs. I have many. I can never have just one, because as soon as I find one I start liking another. Same with food. I don't have one favorite food, but I'll always love cereal. This is a freakin shitty way of putting it. >_< ;_; you're my home, my heart, my soul. But I got distracted by something shiny and promising. It doesn't mean my love for you has gone or changed in any way.
I do believe she loves me, but not so much in a romantic sense. Anyway, the point of this thread is I've been really depressed since she started dating this guy.. but I've been trying to hide most of it from her. I got really fed up the other day and basically told her how I've really been feeling. She got really upset, concerned, worried, etc.
So I said please just let me go, I can't stand seeing you with someone else. If you want to be together in the future (she always says we will be together again) then maybe when you're single again we can try that. But all I want with you is a relationship, I can't be friends. I wish I could, but it just isn't something I can deal with emotionally, and for that I'm sorry.
^-- I've basically said this, or variations of this every few days for the past 2-3 weeks. But now that I've told her how depressed and emotionally fudged up I've been about this whole thing, she was like:
Quote:I've been incredibly selfish and I'm sorry. I love you from the deepest portion of my heart. I'm sorry I've been in your way every time you try to say goodbye. I don't want to cause you pain anymore and I hope with all my being that you find happiness, even if its not with me. I won't talk to you anymore if that's what you really want. I love you I love you I love you. Sweet dreams for every night we're seperated.
That was 2 days ago.. I can't stop thinking about her and I want to text her all the time. I know this is probably for the best, but I'm freakin addicted to her. I'm going through withdrawl, although some would just call it heartbreak. I'm sorry for writing a book, but for those who read this please give some sort of opinion. I really miss her a lot, and don't know what to do. My buddies keep telling me I should just go get drunk and hook up with random girls, but when I think about that I feel like I'm cheating on her. Emotionally, not like cheating on my girlfriend, just cheating on my feelings. I love her without a doubt, and I don't think I'll ever be over her. First love really sucks.