How can I come to accept myself? I have been gay for four years, and have been closet the entire time. I'm sick and tired of having to constantly deny to anyone's questioning and try to mask myself in a society with which I do not belong.
The only people who I have come out to are my internet friends. I know one in real life and hes bi, but he doesn't really talk that much to understand.
I just need some suggestions, this is getting ridiculous. It is causing my grades to fall, fall out in my family, and me into spiraling depression.
Any help is appreciated.
The one thing you need to know is that you don't ALWAYS necessarily have to come out. It honestly depends on whether you live in an area that you would feel comfortable being openly gay in, and if the impact of "coming out of the closet" puts you in a positive or negative position. Also, you really need to come to terms with WHO YOU ARE before you go around trying to justify your personality to others. I suggest you simply take a long hard look at your life. Think of past experiences, but don't dwell on them. You aren't who you used to be. You are a mixture of your past self, and who you hope to become in the future.
Once you can clearly justify your own personality, morals, and sexuality, it is then time to depict whether or not you want to come out of the closet. Weigh out the positives and the negatives. You have a choice!
First step is accept yourself for who you are, you have a long life ahead of you so the sooner you just accept it the better, how you do that is entirely up to you.
Then you could consider coming out of the closet, not necessarily to everyone but perhaps a few close friends or even some new friends or people you just met, as with all secrets, it sometimes feels good just to get it off your chest, even if the person you're sharing with is a relatively new friend etc.
As to telling your parents, would they accept you and treat you the same? or would they hate you and perhaps even disown you?
If you feel they won't accept you, then don't tell them, especially not now while you rely on then to survive (I'm assuming this anyways, since you mention being in school).
Go outside your house or apartment and scream as loud as you can "I am gay"
If someone has anything against it, its their problem not yours.
You do not have to "come out of the closet" aka confront anybody about your sexual orientation. Just life your life like you would always do.