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(I'm going to call the guy John to keep his identity anonymous)

I became friends with John over a year ago through meeting at my workplace and through mutual friends. I had just moved back from uni and didn't know that many people and I was seeing my ex who lived far away and I wasn't happy and was verbally abused a lot and controlled, and I used to confide to John about it. I saw him as an older brother type figure. I always told him this. He used to talk to me about one of my friends that he liked so I thought nothing of it. Looking back I think I developed a friendship with him too quickly and relied on him too much, the way I am with all my friends. I then met the love of my life who saved me from my relationship with my ex. John began to give me unwanted attention, bringing flowers to my house, telling me how lucky my boyfriend was, asking me out, etc. I voiced my concerns and ended our friendship. I didn't want to be friends with someone that had feelings for me. He knew I was in a happy relationship, he still knows, but he won't leave me alone. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I have continued to receive numerous phone calls and texts from James asking me to go for lunch or asking for explanations and declaring his love for me. He even said he had a 'totem' of me and was going to 'bury it for eternity' with his love. The texts have become more and more intense and everyone says he is losing the plot. I have made it clear right from the start that the feelings he has are not reciprocated. He is in denial, delusional. The phone calls and texts have stopped because his friends have had words with him, but now he has started posting Youtube videos on the internet of his version of our friendship and put links onto Facebook telling his story of how he met me and they are always 'to be continued' which makes it feel worse because I don't know when he'll put the next one up. He's been saying private things about me which only those close to me know about and now the whole world will know. He takes copious amounts of drugs and drinks a lot and I've been told by a friend that he has started to say nasty things about me. Calling me a 'stuck-up bitch'. He is very bitter that I ended our friendship and thinks I led him on, but I treated him the same way I treat all of my friends. I'm very close to my friends and tell them everything, and this has been my downfall. I've been very naive, and because of this I now have some kind of stalker on my hands. I want to go to the police, I should be going tomorrow, but everyone says he's going to flip out. He knows where I live, he knows where I work. I'm scared. I feel like everyone thinks its my fault, but I know my family, my boyfriend and close friends understand. But even they have said I shouldn't have been friends with him. I know that now! I'm just fearing for my boyfriend's safety more than anything. What if John finds out through the internet where my boyfriend lives and does something to him? What if he starts harassing my boyfriend and it tears us apart? I can't stop crying and I keep reading up on websites about victims' stories. I know now not to form friendships like this with men but its too late. I've tried ignoring him, I've tried messaging him explaining exactly how it is and telling him to leave me alone, I've tried getting mutual friends to have words. Nothing works and I'm stuck not knowing what action to take because I don't want to make him go even more mental, but I can't even handle what he's being like at the moment and want it to stop so I can stop feeling trapped.

Tell him that you're not interest as much as possible. Tell him you can be friends, but nothing more.

Lay down the law and tell him he has two options. Friends or leave.

And next time can you declare you're a girl at the beginning? It's hard to give help when you can barely tell if it's a gay guy or a girl. And use paragraphs.

Also, note you said his name was John, and then said James.

Fear is imho what got you into this mess. You need to overcome it and get a restraining order. If something does happen you are going to need some legal backing. You should stop all communication and discussions with him. Even through friends. The only third party that you want to deal with him should be the court and police.

You're really left with no alternatives here as it sounds like you've exhausted rational options. Get the restraining order. He's a stalker.

(01-03-2011, 06:06 PM)Lith Wrote: [ -> ]Tell him that you're not interest as much as possible. Tell him you can be friends, but nothing more.

Thanks for the reply Lith But I tried this and it didn't work. He just starts pestering again. I don't feel like I could be friends with him now because its got so bad I'm actually worried he'll hurt me.

(01-03-2011, 06:12 PM)Iris721 Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks for the reply Lith But I tried this and it didn't work. He just starts pestering again. I don't feel like I could be friends with him now because its got so bad I'm actually worried he'll hurt me.

Try what Omniscient said. It looks like that's the only alternative .

(01-03-2011, 06:09 PM)Laugh Wrote: [ -> ]Lay down the law and tell him he has two options. Friends or leave.

And next time can you declare you're a girl at the beginning? It's hard to give help when you can barely tell if it's a gay guy or a girl. And use paragraphs.

Sorry! It's my first time using this and I was in such a state writing it that I didn't think about paragraphs. I realised after I posted that I didn't mention that I was a girl!

Omni makes a point. I was going to say "he's going to do something that will screw you both over eventually." And it is true, it will happen so get a restraining order before it is too late.

(01-03-2011, 06:12 PM)Omniscient Wrote: [ -> ]Fear is imho what got you into this mess. You need to overcome it and get a restraining order. If something does happen you are going to need some legal backing. You should stop all communication and discussions with him. Even through friends. The only third party that you want to deal with him should be the court and police.

You're really left with no alternatives here as it sounds like you've exhausted rational options. Get the restraining order. He's a stalker.

You're right. I'm going to go tomorrow and sort it out. I just haven't kept enough evidence as proof as it was just irritating at first so I deleted most of the texts. I have a lot of people to back me up though. Hopefully I can get some help. Would a restraining order stop him from flipping out though? What if he doesn't care about the police being involved?

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(01-03-2011, 06:11 PM)Lith Wrote: [ -> ]Also, note you said his name was John, and then said James.

I know! I used his real name first of all, then changed to James, then decided I wanted a name that wasn't the same name of anyone close to me! This whole post was a bit of a bumbling wreck wasn't it! Thanks for all your help though!